


Talented Breezes

by thornfield_girl



Series: Somehow, Someday [2]
Category: Justified
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Closeted, Coming Out, Complete, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M, Post Season 2 AU, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-16
Updated: 2011-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-26 04:03:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thornfield_girl/pseuds/thornfield_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raylan and Boyd try to move forward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Follow the Lights From House to House, and They Will Lead You Home

From the quality of the light coming in through the cheap hotel curtains, Boyd could tell it was still pretty early, maybe 7 at the latest. Raylan was still fast asleep, curled away from Boyd on the hard mattress and breathing deeply and evenly. He had slept as if he hadn't had a chance for years, which Boyd figured maybe he hadn't. He didn't know if Raylan always slept like this, or if it was just a symptom of a profound exhaustion. They had slept together on a few occasions as very young men, but the intervening years and pain could well have done all manner of damage to his ability to sleep. Boyd had slept lightly the night before, waking several times to reach out and make sure Raylan was still there. It felt like an actual miracle to him, something that in all of the sad years between Raylan leaving and the previous night, he would not have given a moment's credence to. Boyd was still unsure of what to expect now. Raylan had said that he loved him, had uttered it in the throes of passion and had also said it several times later on, in the dark, after they'd gone to bed. Raylan had whispered it in a wondering voice, as if hardly daring to believe it himself, while Boyd stroked his back and listened. The quality of happiness that Boyd was feeling now was very different from what he felt the first time he and Raylan had been together; it was much more muted and tinged with all that had gone between them, but no smaller for all that. He wanted to hear some different words from Raylan this morning, some things that would help him feel like they were going to figure out a way to move forward from here. Declarations of love were fine, for the dark, but now Boyd wanted practicalities. He personally didn't have any real ideas about this, but hoped that Raylan might.

Boyd stared at Raylan's back, waiting. It was a damn nice-looking back, he couldn't help noticing. Well-muscled, hard and lithe, with some old, old scars there - belt edges, he knew. He loved them. It wasn't that Boyd was glad Raylan had been beaten by his asshole daddy - of course he wasn't. It was just that these scars, both physical and emotional, were something that made them the same. There were other things that made them the same, of course. Here in Harlan, these things - the scars, the mine, the drinking, the despair - were something that made them the same as many other men. If they were to leave here, though - then these things might set them apart somewhat.

He propped himself up on an elbow and reached the other arm out to spread his hand out flat on Raylan's spine, long fingers splayed out across the broad back. He got the reaction he'd been hoping for. Raylan grunted softly and reached his arm back to search for Boyd's body, so Boyd slid closer to accommodate him. Raylan's hand found his hip and pulled him in, and Boyd closed the distance between them. He hadn't been especially horny since waking up - too preoccupied with the question of what now - but that changed in an instant as his hips came up against Raylan's ass. This did not go without notice, he knew, when he heard a soft, sleepy laugh out of Raylan as he pulled Boyd's arm around himself and moved Boyd's hand down to his dick. Boyd stroked him lazily as Raylan rocked slowly back into Boyd's erection. Boyd lowered his mouth to Raylan's shoulder and bit down softly, then kissed him in the warm hollow at the bottom of his neck. Raylan moaned, long and low, at that, which prompted Boyd to move the tempo up a bit.

Suddenly, Boyd felt like laughing out loud, or maybe letting out a big old yell. He didn't particularly want to draw attention to the goings on in this room (though he figured Raylan's neighbors were probably accustomed to a fair amount of sex noise, come to think of it). He felt like he needed to do something though, something to express the wild joy that was bubbling up in him, and his utter amazement at what was happening here. He drew back quickly, releasing Raylan's erection and pushing him onto his back. Boyd braced his arms on the bed and hovered over Raylan, laying a big kiss square on his lips and then pulling back to stare into his face with a huge grin.

"Well, good morning Boyd," Raylan said in a husky, aroused voice that was undercut with not a small amount of amusement.

"Ain't it, though? A very fine morning indeed." Boyd continued to grin down at Raylan, but the grin began to transform slowly from goofy and fond to something else entirely, something intimate and heated. Raylan watched the grin, his mouth slightly parted and eyes dark and hazy, and reached up to Boyd's neck and pull him down for a kiss.

"Talk to me, Raylan. I want to hear you talk to me while I do this to you." Boyd rocked back onto his knees and lowered his head to lick at Raylan's dick.

"Jesus, Boyd. You want me to... oh. Talk? What, dirty talk? You want me to talk about how I want your hot mouth on my cock, shit like that?"

Boyd laughed and put his mouth on Raylan's cock just like that. "I don't care what you talk about, Raylan. I just want to hear your goddamn beautiful voice, to tell you the God's honest truth. C'mon now. That's embarrassing as hell and I just told it to you, so you can damn well talk to me." Boyd went back to work on Raylan's dick quickly after that, cheeks red and feeling truly a bit embarrassed, but sort of proud of himself for saying something like that. It was a funny feeling, but one which was not completely unfamiliar. He remembered the last time he'd felt this way, the night Arlo had caught them. Goddamn, but he and Raylan had been beautiful together back then. They were too old to be like that now, but it was ok. They could be something else, maybe.

"Boyd... damn, that feels good... I been thinking. Maybe we could... oh, god, slow down... we could take a little trip this week. I'm taking a leave. I need to get the hell out of here and think."

Boyd didn't answer. Instead, he pulled off of Raylan's dick and sucked his own fingers until they were as wet as he could get them. He reached down and slowly slid one in. Raylan gasped, clenched, and then slowly exhaled and relaxed his body. Boyd grinned a little bit. He hadn't been sure what Raylan's reaction would be. Boyd wasn't planning to fuck him, not now anyway, but he sort of wanted to see how far he could go. He started sucking Raylan again as he worked another one in, reaching his long, elegant fingers inside as far as they would go. At one point, he felt Raylan's body react strongly, and he did his best to repeat the action. Raylan was breathing very hard now, and Boyd was pretty sure he was almost there. Boyd thrust his fingers into Raylan harder, and faster now, and he felt him get impossibly harder in his mouth, and then Raylan was coming, clenching around Boyd's fingers and jerking into his mouth. Boyd could hear his muffled grunts and stifled shouts, and when he glanced up he could see that Raylan was biting down on his own hand to keep himself quiet. When Raylan's body quieted down, Boyd pulled his fingers free and moved up to kneel over Raylan's midsection.

"Watch me."

Boyd held Raylan's gaze as he started to stroke himself. Raylan grasped his free hand and held tight as his strokes got faster, then jerky and uneven. He came on Raylan's chest. Boyd lay down next to Raylan, and Raylan reached for the box of cheap tissues next to the bed.

"I feel like you been keeping secrets from me. You didn't tell me it felt like that. Shit, maybe I would have tried it before now if I'd known."

"Well, there just didn't seem to be a natural opening in any of our conversations up to now. You should have visited me in jail more often, I was so bored I would have talked about anything."

"So anyway. You wanna go on vacation?"

"I believe that if anyone in the history of the world has ever needed a vacation, it would be me. But Raylan... what about Winona? You just sticking your head in the sand for now?"

Raylan sighed heavily. "I guess I'll just tell her I need a week away to deal with my shit. She won't like it, but it's better than trying to explain the whole thing right now."

"The whole thing? You mean you and me?"

"Well, yeah. What else would I be talking about, Boyd? I'm just not ready to do that today, and I don't want to start our trip with a black eye."

Boyd was quiet. The idea of Winona knowing, of anyone knowing, was terrifying to him. Ava would have to know too... or maybe she already did. That thought hit him in the gut as he remembered Raylan saying something about it last night.

"Boyd?"

"Shit, Raylan. I just don't know."

"What the hell, Boyd?" Raylan's temper, never far from the surface, was showing on his face. "What did you think? That we were just going to keep sneaking around and pretending things are not the way they are? Shit, maybe I should go ahead and marry her again, you think? You'd be best man, naturally. Can't wait to see what you come up with for the bachelor party."

"Raylan, shut up. Just quit it, OK? I just meant that I don't know how I'm feeling about this, _at this moment._ Can I maybe get a little time to process the monumental change that has come to my life in the last 8 hours?"

Raylan huffed out a laugh and said, "Yeah, alright. We should get dressed, I'll drive you back out to the lake to get the truck, you pack up some clothes and meet me back here later, ok?"

"Where are we going?"

"I got an idea, but I don't want to say anything yet."

"OK, man of mystery. Let's get going, then."

***********************************

Boyd got in and out of Ava's house as quickly as he could, grabbing up whatever clothes he could find, his razor and a couple of books. He had accused Raylan of sticking his head in the sand where Winona was concerned, but that was exactly what he planned to do about Ava right now. He did feel a twinge of shame about it, but it was just not a conversation he thought he could handle at the moment. Especially if she knew something, or thought she knew something. He threw his stuff in the truck and drove back over to Raylan's hotel. Boyd knew what it meant that Raylan had been back in town for as long as he had and was still staying in this shit hole with its uncomfortable bed and ugly paintings, and it made him nervous. Raylan was still packing light, ready to flee at a moment's notice. He didn't have any real hold on Raylan, not like Winona did anyway. When they were together, Raylan knew he wanted to be with Boyd, but what about when he was with Winona? Did he feel the same way about her, or at least, would his guilt be able to convince him that he did? It would be the easiest choice to make, but if he made it he would be killing the last of Boyd's will to change the course of his life. Boyd wondered if Raylan knew that, and what weight that might carry with him.

Raylan opened the door just as Boyd was about to knock, and pulled him into the room. He threw his arm around Boyd's neck and kissed him on the mouth. "Ready?"

"For what?" Boyd leered a little, and Raylan laughed.

"Not that! We need to get on the road."

"You gonna tell me now? I wasn't sure whether to pack my formal gown or not."

"Nope, it's a surprise. But I'm sure whatever clothes you brought will do just fine. Let's get the hell out of Harlan."

"Alright, then. Hey."

"What?"

"This is good, right?"

"You and me?"

Boyd nodded.

"Feels good, don't it? Feels a lot more right than anything else I've had going on in I don't know how long."

"Feels fucking great. OK, let's go."

It was around 10 when they finally got on the road, taking Raylan's car and dropping Boyd's truck on what had been Bo's property. They drove north for a long time, up through Indiana and into Michigan, buying food on the road for lunch. They didn't do a whole lot of talking on the way, but the long silences were companionable. They still had a few hours to go when they were both hungry enough to stop for dinner, and Raylan pulled into the lot of a small restaurant housed in a stone building. They were seated and had both ordered beers, figuring to save any real drinking for when they arrived at their destination.

"How much further is this place, anyway?"

"I'm not sure, maybe two, two and a half hours."

"And you're still not telling me what kind of place it is, huh?"

"Don't you trust me anymore, Boyd?" Raylan pasted a mock-pained expression on his face, and Boyd laughed. Goddamn, but that boy was cute, he thought.

"I trust you, I trust you. Just, you know me, Raylan. I don't necessarily like surprises much - they are antithetical to my chosen profession."

"Mining? Well, yes, I can verify that from personal experience," Raylan said wryly.

Boyd smiled and they both picked up their menus. After the waitress took their orders - some sort of over-fancy buffalo meat burger for Raylan and fried fish for Boyd - and walked away, Raylan reached across the table and stroked his fingers across Boyd's hand. Boyd pulled it away like he'd been burned.

"What the hell you think you're doing, Raylan? This ain't a fucking gay bar."

"God, Boyd, take it easy. I just touched your hand, I didn't bend you over a chair. Nobody cares."

"You know very well that's not true. Plenty of people care."

"Yeah, well, maybe so. But look around you - you see anyone in this place that you or I couldn't beat the shit out of one-handed? And anyway, come to that, I'm carrying. I know you're not worrying about getting hurt, you're just embarrassed. I get it, I do, but aren't you tired of it?"

"I just don't see why we need to go looking for that kind of attention."

"You know, maybe we _should_ go to a gay bar, give you some kind of immersion shock therapy."

Boyd raised his eyebrows at Raylan and said, "It wouldn't exactly be my first time."

"Really? When was this?"

"Sometimes when I had to do out-of-state runs for my daddy, I'd head into whatever city happened to be closest and go. Man's gotta do what he's gotta do, I guess you could say."

"I had no idea. So you... what? Got blow jobs in the bathrooms? Took some boy out to an alley?" Raylan's expression was a mixture of fascination and wariness, and Boyd could pretty much imagine what Raylan was picturing. Boyd thought it was kind of funny that Raylan would be so shocked by this, having lived in bigger towns and cities and presumably having had sex with at least one or two men in the past twenty years. Although, Boyd didn't really know that for sure, it was just an impression he'd gotten. Raylan didn't _need_ to sleep with men, he knew, not like Boyd did. But maybe he'd wanted to, once in awhile at least.

"Something like that, sure. One time though, I did go back to someone's apartment. I even went back again once, next time I was in town. I got scared after that though, didn't try it again."

"Why that guy?"

"I don't know, something about him just... shit Raylan, I don't know. It doesn't really matter, does it?"

"What did he look like?" Boyd knew what Raylan wanted to know, but he didn't think Raylan particularly needed the information.

"'Bout 6'5", 300 pounds, black."

Raylan's eyes opened wide. "Really?"

"No. Hell, Raylan, what do you think he looked like? Don't ask stupid questions."

"Sorry." Raylan drank his beer in silence, looking thoughtful.

Their food came, and they in silence for awhile.

"Boyd, I really am sorry. I didn't mean to pry into anything that makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, ok?"

"Raylan, the thing is, I really do want to tell you this stuff. But I can't promise that I won't get pissed at you for making me, even so. Can you live with that?"

"You think I'd choose to be with you if I wasn't prepared to live with a massive load of emotional baggage and bullshit? It's not like we just met, or something. Anyway, more of the same is going to be coming right back at you from my direction, so I guess we both need to be prepared for it."

Boyd nodded slowly, then reached up and barely grazed the side of Raylan's thumb with his knuckle before pulling his hand back and picking up his almost-empty glass. Raylan shot him a big grin and ate a few of the fries from Boyd's plate.

They finished up and headed back out on the road. Raylan was driving and Boyd was dozing in the passenger seat when he turned off the highway onto a windy, wooded street. When the car stopped, Boyd woke up.

"We're here?" he said groggily. "Where are we? It's so dark."

"Get out of the car, I'll show you."

The air outside was much cooler than it had been in Kentucky. Boyd grabbed his jacket and started looking around. The car was parked in the driveway of a small wood cabin, and they walked around to the back of it. Out behind the house there was a gradually sloping hill leading to a small dock. There was a narrow rocky beach, and beyond it, a lake that was sparkling in the moonlight. Boyd could see a few lights from other cabins situated around the lake, but they were plenty far away enough for privacy.

"A lake house."

"Do you like it?" Raylan sounded nervous suddenly, as if he thought he might have made some kind of thoughtless mistake.

"My God, Raylan. How could I not like this?" Boyd laughed sharply then, and Raylan looked at him curiously.

"What's funny?"

"Do you have any idea how many times I wished we could just live at the lake back home? That it had some kind of, I don't know, force field around it that would keep everyone away and we could just stay there."

"Yeah, I know. Me too."

They brought their things inside, and the cabin turned out to be very simple but comfortable inside. Raylan poured them each a bourbon, but after they'd drunk them, they both realized they were too tired to do any serious drinking that night. Too tired to do much of anything other than flop into bed and go to sleep, with nothing more than a few sleepy kisses and embraces between them before they began drifting off.

Just before sleep took him, Boyd murmured into Raylan's neck the words, "Brown hair, skinny legs, eyes like a well." Raylan smiled and gathered Boyd closer, and Boyd knew he'd understood.


	2. I Feel Alright When I Think About You Walking Through a Star Field Covered in Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raylan and Boyd meet some people and step outside of their comfort zones. Also, lake sex.

Raylan had woken up early to go into the nearby village for groceries and coffee. Coffee, that was needed; he felt a little bit dazed after everything that had transpired in the last few days. He was glad to be here with Boyd, but it was still strange. He thought again about Boyd's little confession about going to gay clubs a few times. He could picture him leaning up against some bar, eyes flashing dangerously and giving off some kind of crazy energy like they sometimes did. Raylan was sure Boyd would have gotten his share of attention, and he found it exciting to think about. It was such a different side of Boyd than he'd ever had a chance to see, off Bo Crowder's leash for a change and doing something that was just for him. Of course, what they were doing here was just for Boyd and him, the only problem being that when they were together they always dragged Harlan with them no matter where they went.

The market was small and overpriced, with a beautiful selection of organic produce, baked goods, French cheeses, grass-fed beef and lots of other stuff that Raylan would normally roll his eyes at. It occurred to him that Winona would love this place, but that didn't seem like a particularly productive train of thought to follow right now. This seemed to be the only game in town, though, and he was on vacation after all. He pushed his little cart through the aisles and picked up some stuff for sandwiches, some fruit, steaks, frozen pizza, cereal and milk. When he felt like he had enough for at least a few days, he got in line to pay.

He noticed that a woman at the next register seemed to be checking him out. It wasn't a particularly unfamiliar experience for Raylan, and he certainly didn't mind. He would flirt with pretty much anyone, and he was good at it. Even presumably straight as an arrow guys like Art seemed to respond to it without even realizing what they were responding to. He gave her a friendly smile, then looked away and loaded his stuff onto the counter. After he paid, he headed over to the small counter where they sold hot coffee and pastries and got in line there. The woman who had been looking at him had also finished paying and had ordered a coffee drink that she was now waiting for. She was cute enough, though not Raylan's type, really. She was petite, in her early to mid-30s, wearing dark skinny-legged jeans, Converse high-tops and a striped v-neck t-shirt. Her dark hair didn't seem to have any kind of style, and was pulled back in a black elastic band. She looked different than most of the clientele in here, and Raylan figured she was probably on vacation too.

"Hey, I'm sorry if I was staring before. You just look as out of place here as I do, so I felt a moment of solidarity." She had a northern accent, east coast probably, he thought.

Raylan was pretty sure that hadn't been all it was, but he could see where she was coming from. It had been easy for him to pick her out from the crowd, and he undoubtedly was just as much or more of a sore thumb.

"No problem. You on vacation here?"

"Yeah, we're from Philadelphia. That's my boyfriend David over there." She pointed over at a skinny guy with glasses who was looking at magazines on the rack by the door. He was dressed almost identically to her. "I'm Jen."

"Raylan." They shook hands. "I'm at the lake too, just got here last night."

Raylan got to the front of the line and ordered two large coffees as well as two huge soft-looking buns that were covered in granulated sugar.

"Where are you from, Raylan? That's a beautiful accent."

"I'm from Kentucky, ma'am. I'm surprised to hear that, tell you the truth. I was under the impression that most northerners were put off by a southern accent."

"Well, that might be generally true, I guess, but for me it depends on the accent. You don't sound like Gomer Pyle or George W. Bush, so you're ok with me." She smiled in the self-mocking way that Raylan had observed in northern women many times. Sometimes it made him uncomfortable, but he found it sort of charming on her. "I'll tell you one thing though, while the verdict on the accent might go in your favor, I can tell you for certain that no northern woman under 60 likes to be called ma'am. And 60 might be pushing it."

Raylan laughed and said, "Well, that's good information. I will try to keep it in mind."

"So who's the other coffee for? Girlfriend?"

"No, um. My uh, boyfriend."

"Oh! Sorry, I shouldn't have assumed."

Jen's boyfriend came wandering over then and she introduced them.

"How's it going?" David said, raising his hand in a sort of greeting. Raylan's hands being full of coffee cups, he nodded a greeting at David.

"Raylan is staying out at the lake too, with his boyfriend, um..."

"Boyd."

" _Boyd._ Does he sound like that too?"

"Yes, only more so. Listen, it was nice talking to you, but I should probably get this coffee back before it's cold."

"Oh, of course. Sorry. Well look, we don't know anyone out here, and it seems like everyone else is like 50 years old and rich. Would you guys like to come to dinner some time this week?"

"Uh, well..." Raylan glanced at David, unsure if the invitation was coming from both of them or not.

"Yeah, that would be great. We can grill out by the lake. How about tonight, we've got nothing going on," said David amiably.

"Can I call you later and let you know for sure?" Raylan was nervous about Boyd's reaction to this, considering his comfort levels about their public relationship.

"Sure, here..." She borrowed a pen from the cashier and wrote her cell number on her receipt.

Raylan's heart had started racing at the moment she had asked him about his "girlfriend," had felt like it was coming out of his chest after hearing himself say the word, "boyfriend," and was still pounding when he got out to the car. He only hoped he'd kept it together well enough that no one had been able to tell, but he wasn't sure of that at all.

He got back to the house and unloaded the car. Boyd came in and started poking through the bags. Raylan handed him his coffee and pastry, and as soon as the perishables were in the fridge they wandered out to the porch on the back of the house. The weather was incredibly beautiful; the air was warm but much crisper than it had been in Kentucky when they left, and the lake sparkled almost too brightly to look at. They sipped at their coffee and Raylan picked at his food. He was trying to figure out how to bring up the dinner invitation, and at the same time almost wishing that Boyd would flat out refuse. Raylan had liked the couple, but he felt barely more comfortable than Boyd about exposing their relationship. He put on a good deal of bravado for Boyd's sake, trying to drag them both into the light by the sheer force of his will, but it took a toll on him too.

"Raylan. You're making me nervous. What is your problem?"

"Huh? Oh, well... I-"

"Raylan, so help me, if you're about to tell me that you've changed your mind about this whole thing and decided to marry Winona and move back to Florida, I'll let you live, but I will never speak to you again."

Raylan started to laugh because he was sure that Boyd was joking but when he looked at his face he could see that this was a real concern of Boyd's. It seemed ridiculous now to Raylan, but he could see where it might look like a reasonable option to just about anyone else.

"Jesus, Boyd. Have you really been carrying that around? No, that ain't it. I don't..." Raylan didn't know how to say what needed to be said to reassure Boyd. Boyd was the word guy, he was the preacher. Raylan was a man of action. He set down his coffee, stood and walked over to Boyd's chair. He held out his hand and said, "C'mon. Get up."

"Am I under arrest, Marshal?"

"Would you like to be?"

Boyd smiled and reached up for Raylan's hand and let himself be pulled up. Raylan pulled until Boyd was flush against him, his clothes warm from sitting in the sun and smelling of the lavender detergent that Raylan recognized as Ava's. Raylan's hand slid up the back of Boyd's t-shirt and stayed there while they kissed slowly. He brought Boyd's hand down to his crotch where he was already fully hard. Boyd sighed and laid his cheek against Raylan's.

"I know what's in your heart, Raylan. You told me, and I believe you. Even if you did decide to... do that, leave me, I'd still know what was in your heart. But that's the problem, you said you felt that way the whole time you were away from Harlan. Like part of you was stuck there with me. But you still stayed away for twenty years, and when you came back it wasn't for me."

"I really hated the idea of coming back to Kentucky, as I'm sure you know. I was afraid of Arlo, afraid of you, and very much afraid of myself. Once I was there, though... I don't know, it's home. Where my heart was. With you. I was able to do that at 19, run away and hope that eventually the connection would break and that it wouldn't hurt too much when it did, only because I was a dumbass kid who didn't know shit about how life works. I know better now. It never did break but it hurt like hell the whole time anyway."

"Hurt on my end too."

"I know it. I'm sorry. I love you."

Boyd nodded and kissed Raylan again, harder this time, and hugged him around the shoulders.

"Feel like a swim?"

"In our lake? Hell yeah." Raylan grinned, because this was the reason they'd come and he was suddenly very excited to have a swim with Boyd in the warm late- morning sun.

They stripped off their clothes and dove in, feeling pretty confident that they were far enough from any other houses for privacy. Raylan watched Boyd's confident strokes as he swam out. He was a good swimmer, very fast and strong. The sun glinted off his wet shoulders and caught the swastika on his left arm every time it rose out of the water. Raylan was beyond being upset by it at this point - it was part of Boyd's past, and he knew there were plenty of unsavory things in there that he had chosen not to dwell on - but there would be no explaining it away to anyone else. Boyd always wore long sleeves these days, but that thing was going to have to come off eventually.

Raylan swam out to where Boyd was standing with the water at about chest height. He put his hands on Boyd's hips and brought their lower bodies together. Boyd glanced around nervously, seemed to satisfy himself that they weren't visible to anyone, then reached down to wrap his hand around Raylan's dick. Raylan stroked his fingers lightly over Boyd's ass and thighs, leaning down to kiss his neck.

"Lake sex, huh. Been awhile." Boyd's eyes looked at Raylan dreamily, like he was half here and half somewhere else just as good. Raylan wondered briefly if the lake had been a bad choice. He loved their little packet of good memories as much as Boyd did, had taken them out at private moments and looked at them many times, played with them in his mind. But they were different people now, and they had to do it differently. There was no force field for them anywhere, and if they were going to be together they couldn't keep holding out for one.

"Boyd... when I was at the store I met a woman and her boyfriend who are staying at the lake too. They invited us over for dinner tonight."

Boyd took his hand off of Raylan's cock and moved it up to his shoulder.

"They did, huh. What kind of people were they?"

"I don't know... nice ones, I guess. Early 30s. Yankees."

"So who did you tell them I was?"

"My boyfriend."

"Your...."

"That's right. They didn't even swoon or start shooting at me either, can you believe it?"

"Raylan... Jesus. I can't... What did it feel like to say that?"

"Scary as shit. But good. Really good."

"Well, hell."

Raylan pulled him back in close and held on, kissing him on the mouth and whispering to him. "Didn't you say something about lake sex?"

"Until I was rudely interrupted, yes."

Raylan smiled and resumed his kisses, trailing down Boyd's neck to his shoulder, then continuing down his left arm. He didn't hesitate when he got to the hated tattoo, even though he normally would have just avoided that arm altogether. He wanted Boyd to know that he accepted all of him, wasn't afraid of any of it. Boyd didn't move as he did this, and Raylan was reminded of the first night they were together, when he was patching up Boyd's wounds. He had seemed so vulnerable that night, like he had run out of energy to hide anything from Raylan, and just sat there and let himself be cared for. That was what had made up Raylan's mind. When he was taking care of Boyd's face, it had been there on the surface for only a second, and he just knew. Or hoped he knew, hoped that it hadn't been wishful thinking, and he'd taken a leap with only his trust of Boyd for protection. This time, of course, he did know, and after not trusting Boyd at all for most of the past year, Raylan felt like he was ready to again. When the time might come for Boyd to trust him again, Raylan couldn't say. Maybe he never had back then, either.

They pressed their bodies together and swayed there for awhile, kissing and touching each other all over. After awhile Boyd took Raylan's hand and they walked to shallower water. Boyd dropped to his knees and took Raylan into his mouth all at once. The heat of his mouth was shocking after the cold lake water, and Raylan felt dizzy for a second. He put his hand on Boyd's head to steady himself, and Boyd moaned at the touch. Raylan continued to stroke his hair as Boyd sucked him. With the sun shining down on them and Boyd making him feel so good, Raylan thought he could stay like this for hours. His body disagreed, however, and before long he felt himself getting close.

"Wait. Gimme a minute."

Boyd stood up and they kissed some more, both of them breathing heavily and almost at the end of their tethers, but neither wanted this to stop yet. The day was too beautiful, and the lake felt so good. They stayed like this for a long, long time, but finally Boyd was the one to break.

"Raylan..." his voice low and rough in Raylan's ear. The sound send a jolt to Raylan's stomach, and suddenly he was just as ready as Boyd.

"What do you want? Tell me."

"Turn around?"

"You want me to..."

"Just turn around, trust me."

Raylan turned around and Boyd reached an arm around to work Raylan's cock. He pushed into Raylan's ass, moving up and down between the cheeks, burying himself deep enough to rub against his hole but not going any further. Raylan let out a small grunt at this and pushed back. Boyd rubbed up and down, over and over the sensitive spot, and soon Raylan was coming in his hand and clenching around his dick. That sent Boyd over the edge and as he pushed himself in harder, Raylan lost his balance and fell to his knees, Boyd collapsing on top of him as he came. After he finished and they'd both caught their breath, Boyd tumbled over into the shallow water and landed with a splash. Raylan sat down next to him and stretched out his legs.

"So... does that mean you want to go further than that some time?"

"Maybe... yeah. I do, but I don't have to. It's up to you, I won't do anything you don't like."

"You like it, though."

"I like everything you give me, Raylan."

"Yeah, yeah, but you _like_ that, right?"

"Yep."

"OK."

Boyd grinned and got up, offering a hand to Raylan and pulling him up. They went into the house to shower, and Raylan, suddenly very hungry, ate the rest of his pastry and grabbed an apple from the fridge. Boyd was laying on the couch, reading a book, and Raylan wandered in.

"You never really gave me an answer about tonight. You can say no, if you want to."

"I'll go. Don't want them to think I'm a bad... boyfriend, do I?" Boyd pulled a face, but Raylan thought he looked sort of pleased. Maybe half-pleased, half-horrified, but that was good enough for now.

*********************************

They drove into town to pick up a bottle of good bourbon to bring to dinner, then back out to the address that Jen had given Raylan when he called to confirm. They were on a different road than Raylan and Boyd's cabin, where the houses were a bit closer together. Raylan was nervous, and he knew it probably showed on his face. He couldn't really tell how Boyd was feeling. Boyd was a good actor when he wanted to be, and if he was apprehensive he obviously didn't want Raylan to know about it.

David answered the door and took the bottle of bourbon from Raylan. The house smelled nice, like baking bread.

"Nice! Thanks. Come on in." He stuck out his hand to Boyd and they shook. "Hey, I'm David. You must be Boyd. Jen's out back trying to get the grill lit. Can I pour you guys drinks? Bourbon?"

"Great, thanks."

Raylan wandered into the living room and glanced around. It was much like their own cabin, though the furnishings looked newer but cheaper. There was some sad-sounding music that Raylan didn't recognize coming from an iPod attached to two small speakers. The living room opened onto a small patio, and he could see Jen out there with the grill. He stepped outside.

"Hi! You made it." She smiled, then made a frustrated noise. "I hate this fucking thing! We have a propane one at home, I can't seem to get this to catch."

"Here, look." Raylan took the matches. "You have to light it from the bottom. Now give it a minute or so, and you should be ready to spread them out."

David and Boyd came out onto the patio, chatting like they'd known each other for months. Raylan stared at Boyd in amazement, and was not quite sure, but thought Boyd might have tipped him the tiniest of winks. Once the grill was going pretty good and Jen had been introduced to Boyd, they all walked down a bit to table and chairs in the back yard, with a nice view of their part of the lake. They sipped at their drinks and talked about where they were all from. After 15 minutes or so, Jen got up to put the fish on the grill.

Just as she was sitting back down, Raylan's phone rang. Thinking it could be work, despite them knowing he was on leave, he checked it.

Boyd rolled his eyes. "Is that work?"

"Nope. Ava." He silenced the ringer and put it back in his pocket. Boyd winced.

"What do you do, Raylan?" David asked.

"I'm a U.S. Marshal. Excuse me..." he said, as his phone buzzed. "I should probably take this." He shot Boyd a dark look, got up and walked down to the edge of the lake. There was no dock here, just a little beach, and he watched the moonlight on the water as he answered.

"Hello, Ava. How are you?"

"I'm fine Raylan, but I'm worried about Boyd. Have you seen him?"

"I'm on vacation. I'm not even in Kentucky."

"Oh... well, I was just wondering if you ever found him the other night, when you were looking for him. His truck is out at Bo's old place, but I haven't seen him since that day."

"I'm sure he's fine, Ava. Boyd can take care of himself. He'll probably turn up in a few days."

"So, did you see him that night or not?"

Raylan paused. He didn't particularly want to be lying to Ava, who was really a very decent sort of person and had been a good friend to Boyd when no one else had, including himself. "I did. He was fine."

"Well, he didn't come home that night. I don't suppose you know where he went."

"Ava... I'm sure he's just fine. Really."

"Raylan Givens, you have no call to lie to me. He's there, isn't he? He's probably sitting right there next to you, laughing at you while you try to lie without really lying. Or laughing at me for being so stupid."

"He's not laughing at you, Ava."

"Raylan..."

"Boyd is fine, and you're a good woman for making sure."

"Goddamn it, Raylan. You boys are going to be the end of me."

"Ava, you are going to keep this to yourself, right? I'm sure I don't have to tell you - "

"No, you do not. I live here, remember?"

"Right. Thanks, Ava."

"Raylan, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Did either of you ever really want me?"

"You're a gorgeous, kind and strong woman. Of course we wanted you. It ain't about you, that's all. This is something that goes back a ways."

"Yeah, I knew that. Y'all couldn't have been more obvious about it."

"That's not really encouraging to hear."

"Obvious to me, anyway. I been around the two of you together, plenty. And I screwed both of you, so I know what you look like when you want someone. I ain't blind or an idiot."

"I know that."

"Tell Boyd he's an asshole for not at least leaving me a fuckin' note."

"I'll be sure to tell him just that."

"Bye, then."

"Bye."

Raylan walked back to the little group and sat down.

"Everything ok?" asked Jen, raising her eyebrows and smiling at Raylan.

"Fine, just some family drama." He looked at Boyd and said, "Ava says to tell you you're a fuckin' asshole for not leaving a note."

" _That's_ why she thinks I'm an asshole?"

"I'm sure she could make you a list of reasons if you asked her, but at the moment that's the pressing issue."

"Yeah, sounds like family." David said as he stood up to check the fish. Jen excused herself and went into the house to take out rolls from the oven.

"Raylan..."

"Ava's fine. It's fine. You'll talk to her when we get back."

The four of them ate dinner and drank some more, and they were all getting pretty relaxed until Jen decided to ask a fairly standard couples question, and Raylan realized that he was completely unprepared for it. From the look on Boyd's face, he was too.

"So, how did you guys meet?"

They glanced at each other, trying somehow to communicate on how to answer this question in a way that would make some kind of sense to anyone outside of Harlan. The silence went on long enough for David to comment on it.

"OK, now I'm actually interested in the answer."

Raylan said, "Well..." and then hesitated.

Boyd smirked and said in his best Raylan Givens impression, "Boyd and I dug coal together when we were 19..."

Raylan laughed and said, "Well, yeah. But we met a long time before that. We grew up in the same little town, everyone knows everyone. And anyway, our daddies used to do some business together. They didn't particularly like one another though. We weren't friends until the mines."

"So, you guys have been together since you were 19? And you live in a tiny little town in Kentucky? Maybe I had the wrong impression of little towns in the south," Jen said in a skeptical voice.

Boyd had been looking down at his lap with his hand on the back of his neck, and then he raised his head and said, "You know, if you two want to know about Harlan, you are missing an important detail. Hang on, I need to run out to the car for a minute."

Raylan was perplexed, but when Boyd came back in with a Mason jar full of clear liquid, he burst out laughing. "Are you really going to do this to these fine people?" Boyd had gone into the kitchen to get some clean glasses, and when he came out he had his best patented affronted Boyd Crowder face on.

"'Do to them?' This is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity for these poor, deprived Yankees. If they have to hear about coal mining and our daddies' "business," they might as well get to taste pure Kentucky moonshine too. There's a balance to these things."

"Sure, maybe you can show off your clogging moves later on."

"Better me than you, townie."

"Are you guys shitting us? Seriously, you're putting us on a little bit, right?"

"What gives you that impression, ma'am?" Boyd had an amused glint in his eye, because even he could hear how the whole thing would sound to an outsider, but the funniest part was that neither of them had lied or embellished even one little bit. If anything, they were leaving out a whole lot of the crazier shit.

"Really? Two adorable, gay, moonshine-drinking ex-coal miners from the same tiny town in Kentucky? You cannot possibly be for real."

"I'll show you for real, missy." Boyd handed her a small glass with about an inch of 'shine in it, and she sniffed at it. He handed one to David as well, and he raised his eyebrows hopefully.

"I don't suppose you ever mix this with anything...?"

Boyd smirked and said, "And she called us adorable. G'on now. Down the hatch." Boyd handed Raylan a glass and took one for himself as well. The other couple took a small sip each, shuddered and put their glasses down. Raylan downed his and grimaced as the drink made its way down to his stomach. Boyd clucked his tongue at Raylan and said, "Raylan, these people are from _Philadelphia._ What's your excuse?"

"Well, we can't all be Crowders, I guess."

Boyd nodded sagely at that and drained his glass as if it were water.

"So, you were going to tell us your story!"

Raylan wasn't sure how much he wanted to share with these people, nice as they were. The problem was, whatever he told them was probably going to lead to some question he didn't want to answer.

"We lost touch when I left town to join the Marshal service, and Boyd joined the Army. We didn't see each other for twenty years, when I came back to Kentucky for work."

"Woah. That must have been an interesting reunion." Both Jen and David looked fascinated.

Boyd snorted a laugh and said, "Oh, it was interesting alright." Raylan shot him a warning glance. Boyd shook his head and smiled. "Anyway, it took us a while, but we got back together eventually."

"That's really romantic."

"That's one word for it," Raylan said dryly.

The rest of the evening passed uneventfully, and Raylan found himself amazed at how effortlessly Boyd made conversation, and how relaxed he seemed. He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised; he'd seen Boyd charm all varieties of people, and talking had never been a problem for him. This seemed different, though. Boyd was still being Boyd, but tonight it was like there was more of him. It took Raylan a while to figure it out, but he eventually realized that he was seeing a part of Boyd's personality that was normally kept under lock and key, and mostly stripped away was the bullshit that he tended to project in most of his public dealings. He asked about their jobs and what Philadelphia was like. He even talked a little bit about Kentucky, focusing on music and nature for the most part, but managing to dredge up a few funny stories about people he knew. Raylan didn't talk much, but watched Boyd a lot of the time. He wanted to see this Boyd all of the time, and it struck him like a blow that once they got home, he might disappear. No, would almost certainly disappear. It was one thing for him to let that closely guarded part of himself out for air in a low-stakes situation like this, with people from a different world who they would never see again once they left here, and another entirely to think about doing it back there, with people he'd known his whole life. It wasn't anything especially telling, maybe nothing that anyone would pick up on if they didn't know him, but it was there.

Suddenly, Raylan just wanted to be out of there, back at their own place. He was turned on by seeing Boyd like this, but mostly he just wanted him all to himself again. He wanted to get his clothes off and feel every bit of him, and he wanted to the attentions of this slightly unfamiliar version of his oldest friend to be focused only on him. Eventually he was able to catch Boyd's eye, and the look he got back was astounding. His hazel eyes looked strangely dark and unusually open. He picked up on what Raylan wanted easily enough, and they both made their excuses soon after. Boyd put his hand on Raylan's back as they walked to the car, and Raylan stiffened involuntarily. They got into the car and Raylan started driving back to their cabin.

"Sorry. I didn't think that would bother you. Thought you said no one cares."

"Yeah. Ignore me. I'm a hypocrite."

"You just like it better when you're driving, that's all. You think that comes as some kind of surprise to me?"

"Boyd... "

"You want to be in charge, Raylan, but I'm not sure you know how to be with this."

"Oh, and you do? Why is that?"

"No, goddamn it, I don't. And I don't want to be. Why does someone have to be in charge? Hell, I don't mind if you make a decision for me once in awhile. I'm glad you dragged my ass up here, this is the best thing that's happened to me in a hell of a long time. But I let you do that because I wanted it. I wanted you to make me do it, because I didn't know how to do it for myself. But there are things you don't know how to do, or that you're scared to do, and I think you should want me to make you do them."

"I do. Just because I had a moment there, it doesn't mean I didn't want you to touch me. I want a lot of things, but some of them still scare the shit out of me."

Boyd sighed and looked out the window until they pulled up to the house. They brushed their teeth and stripped down without really talking at all, got under the covers and moved silently toward each other. They held on to each other for awhile, and finally Boyd spoke. "Do you think we'll ever be able to stop doing that?"

Raylan knew what he meant. It was like the two of them were covered in spikes that shot out and injured each other at random. It was an aspect of their relationship that he hated, and it hadn't been there in the beginning. He thought it was mostly his own fault, because he had left, abandoned Boyd in Harlan. "Maybe. Eventually. I think we might have to just keep forgiving each other for awhile, though."

Boyd ran his hand up into Raylan's hair and stroked his fingers there for a few moments. Then he pressed himself up against Raylan and said his name in a way that sounded just plain filthy. Raylan was helpless against this, had never been able to resist Boyd when he did that. Even before they had ever been together, way back when they were first working together, Boyd would sometimes say his name almost exactly that way. Usually it was when he was teasing Raylan about something, a girl or whatever, and it sounded like molasses, all sweet and dark and earthy. Sometimes he would say it that way as a simple greeting, in the presence of whoever happened to be around. Raylan hadn't known what to make of it, and assumed that it was all in his own imagination. That whatever he was hearing in that word was just something he wanted to hear. Now he knew better, and he held on and rolled over so Boyd was on top of him. Then Boyd kissed him so sweetly, just darting his tongue in briefly and pulling back to look at Raylan's face.

"I want whatever you want to give me, Boyd."

"I want to give you plenty, but not tonight. Tonight I just want it to be easy, ok?"

"OK. Like I said, whatever you want."

It turned out that they both wanted the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an extremely difficult chapter for me to write. I guess it was partly because there were characters in it that I had to make up (not that I did a huge amount with them, I just needed them as foils really), but also because I'm not 100% sure what direction this is going in and I don't want to commit myself to something I end up not liking. I have an ending in mind, but not everything is mapped out yet.
> 
> Feedback, as always, is greatly appreciated.
> 
> The chapter title is from the song, "Beautiful Sorta."


	3. I've Been Forgiven, I've Been Surpassed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boyd is confronted about a relic of his past. Raylan and Boyd's trip wraps up.

A few days went by, and Raylan went back into town to get more groceries and maybe a DVD to watch that night. Boyd figured he'd go for a swim and maybe Raylan would feel like joining him when he got back, or maybe they could go for a hike or something later. The week had been going by like some kind of dream, as far as he was concerned. Other than a few prickly moments, he and Raylan seemed to be pretty well-suited to spending lots of time together. Not that a vacation was anything like real life, and Boyd knew this, but he had wondered how they were going to do even on this little experimental trip. There was obviously a strong physical and emotional connection, but that didn't necessarily translate to enjoying each others day to day company. They'd been good friends once, buddies who had good times hanging out before they were lovers, but that was a long time ago. He'd been afraid they'd have nothing to talk about, and that the things they could talk about would prove to be too painful or unpleasant for normal conversation. It turned out they had plenty of things to say to each other, and when they didn't they both felt satisfied with silence. As far as Boyd was concerned, you could score one in the male column for that. Although, to be fair, Ava hadn't been bad at all in that area. Boyd felt a genuine twinge of regret at that thought. If he could have truly loved Ava, the way she deserved, things would be a lot simpler. Raylan could stay with his pretty little ex-wife without any crushing guilt on his shoulders, and that was something Boyd would like for him. He knew Raylan took too much of that on himself, always had. Although, Winona would not be a woman he would have chosen for himself, even if his preferences went in that direction. Unlike Ava, she didn't seem to have a whole lot of warmth, and she didn't seem to even want to understand Raylan's connection to Harlan. Boyd wondered if her disdain was a reaction to something she could sense between Raylan and himself, but he didn't really think so. He thought she was probably just kind of a stuck-up bitch, and maybe Raylan had been drawn to her because she treated him with a little bit of the contempt he always seemed to think he deserved. He amused himself a bit by imagining the conversation that Raylan was going to have to have with her when they got back. The actual fact of her knowing was still upsetting to him, but the thought of her finding out did give him a little thrill. That probably made him a bad person, but he couldn't be bothered worrying about that just now.

He swam out pretty deep into the lake, then floated on his back awhile, enjoying the sunshine. Eventually he started back in towards the shore, and when he was about halfway in he looked up and saw their new friend Jen standing on the bank and staring at him with her mouth dropped open. He stopped, not wanting to go any shallower since he was naked. He raised his hand and called out, "Hi! I'll be right out, if you could just..." and then he stopped, because he suddenly understood the expression on her face. Shit. She backed up a little, and he held up his hands in a surrendering position. "Wait! Please, don't run away. Just hang on a minute."

"I don't really know what you can say that's going to make me feel better about _that_. I should go."

"Maybe nothing, but just one minute, OK? Can you turn around a second so I can put some pants on?"

She did, folding her arms around herself and sighing angrily. Boyd pulled some jeans on over his wet legs, and almost pulled his flannel shirt, but then thought he shouldn't cover it up just yet. He sat down on an Adirondack chair that they'd dragged down there from the back yard.

"Sit down, please?"

"No. Say what you want to say, and then I'm leaving. I can't believe this!"

Boyd sighed and said, "Alright, then. I know what this looks like. And the actual truth isn't much better. I was a bad guy. I was a man who would use whatever I needed to for my own personal gain. I'm not that man anymore, at least I'm trying really hard not to be. But it was never about... this," he said, gesturing at his arm. "This was always just a means to an end. For me to be able to do that, to use a symbol like this and beliefs like those for any purposes... well, that is shameful. I am ashamed of it. Please don't think I'm making excuses, because I have none."

"How could you do that? Didn't it bother you that... that you're someone who would have been killed too?"

"I didn't really think much about it. I come from a place where someone like me doesn't feel very safe anyway, so I suppose I didn't make much of a connection to that. I could do it because... I felt like it didn't matter, that the only kind of personal integrity that mattered was attention to my own survival. It was a bad time for me. I had a lot of bad times."

"What does Raylan think about it?"

"He hates it. Almost as much as I do. You wanted to know what our reunion was like? Well, factor that in."

She sat down on the other chair then, but still kept her arms wrapped around herself.

"That must have been awful."

"Believe me, that ain't half of the awful shit that happened after Raylan came back."

"Um... yeah. I know. David and I... Googled you. Well, we actually looked up Raylan, we figured he might be in the news because of being a marshal, but then tons of stuff came up about you in the process."

"Ah. So you know about..."

"Him shooting you. You going to jail. You getting out of jail, and why. You guys are fucked up, you know that? And can you please put a fucking shirt on? I don't want to look at that anymore."

Boyd nodded, smiled and pulled on his shirt.

"I really wish you hadn't seen it. I don't know if you know this, but you and David are the only people that have ever... we don't exactly have couples friends back home."

"We had such a good time when you guys came over. We don't know _anyone_ like you two. I think David wants to move to Kentucky now."

"Well, maybe you can change his mind by telling him about how easy it is to find followers down there by slapping a swastika on your arm and spouting off about mud people."

Jen winced. "Really? You talked like that?"

"I'm sorry. But yeah, I did. Look... there's not much else I can say. I can't change it."

"Yeah. Well. Thanks for trying to explain it. You barely know me, you didn't really owe me that."

"Sure I did. I'd owe it to anyone."

"Are you going to get it taken off?"

"Yeah, I am. I don't know why I haven't done it yet. Kind of feels cowardly, in a way. Like I'm running away from my past."

"Maybe you should run away from it, it kind of sucks."

"Yeah. Not all of it, but I take your point."

She started to get up, then changed her mind. "Listen... the reason I even came over is that we're leaving tomorrow morning and we wanted to see if you guys felt like hanging out again."

"I assume that offer is now off the table."

"Well... I thought it was going to be, but now I don't know. Would you want to?"

"I'd love to. How about if we take you out to dinner?"

"Yeah... ok. I have to tell David about the tattoo, though. I might have to call and cancel."

"I understand."

She left, and Boyd sat out in the sun until Raylan came home and sat down next to him. Boyd told him about the visit, and the possible dinner plans, and Raylan reached over to put his hand on the back of Boyd's neck.

"You have to get that thing taken off. It's not who you are, so why let people think it is?"

"I know, I know. I will. I guess I felt like no one really cares one way or the other. You know... there goes Boyd Crowder, that boy ain't no damn good anyhow. Who would care if I'm a white supremacist or a Pentacostal preacher? Either way, I'm still exactly who they always thought I was."

"You're not."

"Oh, Raylan. I am. If you hadn't come back and saved me, I'd still be stuck right where I was."

"You mean, if I hadn't come back and shot and arrested you? If I hadn't ignored you and taken up with two other people while you waited for me to finally see you? I fucked everything up, Boyd."

"You didn't do everything perfectly, no. But here we are, anyway. We still have shit to work out, but whatever else, you did save me."

"If I did, it's only because there was someone left to save. And you saved me, too. More than once."

Raylan decided to go in for a swim, but Boyd didn't really feel like going back in. He went inside for a shower, and made some sandwiches for both of them. Raylan's phone rang while they were eating, and Jen let him know that they were on for dinner. They made plans, and before saying goodbye, Jen said, "Um, Raylan, David is not really that thrilled about it. Just so Boyd knows. He's going, but he feels pretty freaked out about the whole... Nazi thing. It's not only because he's Jewish, but you know... that doesn't help."

"Yes, well, that's understandable. Tell him thanks for giving us the benefit of the doubt."

He hung up and relayed the message to Boyd.

"Well, more groveling for me, I guess."

"You have no one to blame but yourself. Quit being a damn martyr and get it lasered off."

They finished eating and Boyd went in and read a book while Raylan showered. They spent the afternoon not doing much of anything. Boyd read, and Raylan watched part of The Fugitive on tv with Boyd's feet resting in his lap. This amused Boyd to no end and he told Raylan that Tommy Lee Jones made a much more credible marshal than he did, and that he couldn't imagine Gerard giving a man a foot rub. To which he replied that Harrison Ford made a much more credible wrongly accused fugitive than Boyd ever could.

"You're right about that, I am not an innocent man, Raylan Givens. You took that from me a long time ago."

"As I recall, you were offering it up pretty freely."

"That I was. And here I am, doing it again."

Raylan was on top of him in one stretch, then took the book from his hands and tossed it onto the coffee table.

"Hey, you lost my page."

In an attempt at a growly Tommy Lee Jones twang, Raylan said, "I. don't. care." Boyd grinned and slid his hands down the back of Raylan's jeans.

"That was terrible."

"My many talents lie elsewhere."

Raylan kissed him for a long time, and Boyd felt him get hard against his hip. Boyd reached down and undid the buttons and zippers of both of their jeans, and they worked on getting them off without stopping what they were doing. Boyd slid his fingers along Raylan's ass, teasing back and forth. After a few minutes, Boyd pulled back from Raylan's lips and gave him a questioning look. Raylan raised his eyebrows at him and smiled.

"I told you I would give you whatever you wanted."

"I want to fuck you."

"Then lets go to bed and you can fuck me."

The expression on his face was gorgeous, in Boyd's opinion. It was a combination of desire, determination and fear, and this was not the first time Boyd had seen it on his face. He'd seen it many times, in many contexts, but the most memorable one was right before Raylan had kissed him for the first time. It had been such a brave thing to do, and when Boyd thought about it, he still couldn't believe he'd had the nerve. Raylan had told him that he was able to do it because he trusted Boyd, but trust only goes so far. That had gone beyond trust, beyond courage, into the category of something possibly very stupid, and he knew Raylan wasn't stupid. He'd done it anyway, and it had been the most beautiful thing that had happened to Boyd in his entire life. Just knowing someone else could feel that way, someone he knew, would have been a huge relief to him. The fact that it was Raylan, and that Raylan wanted _him_ , that was almost too much.

They got up, and he kissed Raylan once more before they walked into the bedroom. Boyd was a little nervous himself. He'd only done this once before, with the brown haired boy who had reminded him of Raylan. It had gone ok, but that hadn't been with someone he cared about. It hadn't been Raylan, and he wanted this to go better than ok.

He took a long time with it, sucking him, working him open, making him relax and taking him to a place where Boyd knew he'd do anything he asked.

 _"Raylan..."_

Raylan groaned loudly. "You're killin' me. Do it now. I'm ready."

"Yeah, you're ready alright. I'm ready too."

Boyd kept his eyes on Raylan's face and pushed in very slowly, a little bit at a time. Raylan's eyes were closed most of the time he was doing this, and Boyd was fascinated by how different he looked without his eyes showing. It was a pretty enough face, and it was the face he loved most, but it wasn't anywhere near as riveting as when his eyes were open. Raylan's eyes had always killed him. He loved them when they were smiling at him, but for so much of their time together, they were either angry, hurt or confused when they were focused on Boyd. These last few days had been so different, so happy, and he didn't want to think about what it meant for this trip to come to an end. He was dreading it.

"Raylan, open your eyes. Look at me."

Raylan did. Boyd started to move in and out, just the slightest bit. "OK?"

"It's... yes. You can... move a little more."

Boyd moved further out, then in, and changed his angle. He knew he'd found the right one when Raylan gripped Boyd's hand which was resting on Raylan's hip and said, "OH. Oh, there. More."

Boyd gave him more, and more, and more, until they were both shaking with need. Raylan gave in first and started stroking himself, and Boyd figured that was all the permission he needed. He moved in and out, faster and harder, Raylan came into his hand and onto his chest, and that was it for Boyd. He was coming, _inside of Raylan_ ,his oldest friend, his first and only love. When he was finished, he pulled out as carefully as possible and lay down next to Raylan, their hands touching lightly.

"Boyd... that was... " Raylan was at a loss for words, and Boyd was feeling rather pleased with himself.

"Good. Me too."

They ended up showering again, and by the time they were finished it was time to meet Jen and David. Dinner started very awkwardly, with David speaking as little as possible to Boyd, and not really looking at him. Boyd didn't quite know what to say, because whatever his motivations had been during that period of his life, they didn't change the reality of what he'd allowed himself to be branded with. The further away he got from that time, the harder it was to understand the person he'd been then. Before Raylan had come back, before he'd been shot, before his men had been killed, before Ava had shown him such unexpected kindness. He spoke to David and tried to tell him these things, though he was afraid that the other man would think he was looking for sympathy. He didn't know why it was so important to make himself understood by these people, who he would almost certainly never see again, but it was. He didn't think they'd be able to see him the same way they had when they'd first met him, but he hated the thought that they'd go away hating him, or thinking that he himself was full of hate. They ate dinner and had conversation, and although it wasn't as easy and lighthearted as it had been the first night, they all parted on good terms at the end of the night.

The rest of the week went by much too quickly. They didn't speak at all about what was going to happen at home, it seemed to be off-limits by mutual silent agreement. Boyd knew they had to figure things out, but the last thing he wanted was for that mess to intrude on this. He briefly wondered if this place would eventually become some kind of Brokeback Mountain-style "fishing" trip that they'd keep repeating, and the thought was too painful to linger on for long. He'd rented that movie when he was out of town once, and hadn't been able to finish watching it. Even if he hadn't known the ending, he could have guessed it. That wasn't something he'd be able to handle, he knew that. If Raylan changed his mind about things, that would be it. Raylan could stay in Harlan this time, if he wanted, but Boyd would be elsewhere.

They started home on Saturday morning, and Raylan was the one to finally broach the subject.

"When we get back, I'll drop you at your truck and then I need to go talk to Winona. I have to just get it over with."

"Yeah."

"It'll be ok."

"It's not like she doesn't have a right to expect something from you, you know. She's got your baby." Boyd swallowed hard after saying this. It was the first time he'd voiced this particular fear; Raylan had told him about her pregnancy a while back, but saying it out loud still felt pretty bad.

"I plan to take care of the baby. And I have to try to take care of her the best I can, too. You know I have to do that."

"Of course I know."

"It'll be ok."

"Raylan... this can't work. Can it?"

"What? What are you saying to me?"

"I don't see a way forward. Do you?"

"Not yet. But I'm not going backwards."

"I love you, Raylan, but I am scared shitless about this whole thing. What are we gonna do?"

"I don't know. I'm not what you'd call much of a planner. I thought that was your area."

"Yeah, but you've seen how my plans turn out, haven't you? Unless you want this to end with us swinging from a tree, maybe you should start working on something."

"Stop it. Nothing like that's going to happen."

They rode the rest of the way back without discussing it anymore, but they talked quite a bit. Mostly about easy things - books, movies, people they knew in high school. It was a nice way to end their trip, and when they finally rolled back into Harlan, they felt relaxed. Boyd hopped out of the car walked around to the driver's side.

"I guess I'll see you when I see you. Call me after you talk to her, would you?"

"Count on it. Good luck with Ava. Don't forget to duck."

Boyd laughed and reached into the window to squeeze Raylan's shoulder, then he went to his truck and drove off toward Ava's to take his medicine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 title is from "Sweet Illusions."
> 
> Warning: The angst is a'coming. Can you feel it?


	4. Nobody Has to Cry to Make it Seem Real, Nobody Has to Hide the Way That They Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raylan tells Winona about Boyd, and Tim also find out.

Raylan couldn't remember ever dreading anything quite as much as he was dreading this conversation with Winona. Even the prospect of returning to Kentucky, and finding out that he needed to go to Harlan and deal with the Crowders, wasn't like this. At least with that, there was the prospect of seeing Boyd again which, as terrifying as it was, he had partially looked forward to. He'd driven to that meeting with a combination of fear and anticipation in his gut that he hadn't experienced in many, many years, and the reality had not been less than he'd expected. Boyd had still been beautiful to him, though older and harder than his imagination had allowed for.  


He didn't bother going back to the hotel after dropping Boyd off. He pulled out his phone even as he started driving towards her house. He needed to do this before he lost his nerve.

"Well, hello Raylan. How nice of you to call." Her voice was flat and angry. Raylan knew she was probably hurt, but Winona didn't like to let that show. It was something they had in common, so he understood.

"Winona, I'm very sorry. Can I come over there so we can talk?"

"You want to talk, huh. Great, I can't wait. I'll be here."

"OK, then. I'll see you as soon as I can get there."

He pulled into her driveway some time later, and she opened the door as he came up the lock. She stood in the doorway with her arms wrapped around herself, and she looked sad. Raylan knew it was his fault, and he hated himself for it. He knew that he should never have gotten involved with her again. It had just happened so quickly, and it seemed like they had no sooner slept together than she was staying in his room almost every night. He hadn't protested, but it had worried him. Almost right away, he'd known it wasn't going to work. He had wanted it to, at first anyway. She'd been in a terrible marriage with an awful guy, and Raylan's competitive streak had gone beyond his control for moment. He had hoped that this time, he could figure out what had been missing from their relationship the first time. Much too late, and feeling very stupid about it, Raylan had realized that what was missing was himself. Or the part of himself that really mattered, anyway. He had loved her, just not quite enough.

"Hi, Winona. I know it's late, thanks for letting me come over."

"I just want to know what's going on, Raylan. I'm so confused."

"Can I come in?"

"Sure, come on in."

They walked into her living room and she poured him a drink. They sat down on the sofa, and Raylan put his head in his hands.

"Winona... I need to tell you something. It's pretty bad. I don't know how to..."

"You're really scaring me, Raylan. You need to start talking right now."

"I'm sorry. It's just... Winona... do you remember when we were married and you were always accusing me of hiding something from you? You always thought I was lying to you about something. What did you think that was? Did you think I was cheating on you?"

"I... I don't know. Maybe. Were you?"

"No, I never cheated on you. But I was lying to you, or at least keeping something to myself."

She looked scared now, not wanting to try to imagine what it could be. When she spoke, it was almost a whisper. "Raylan, what is this? Whatever it is, spit it out."

Raylan's heart was beating very hard, and he wasn't sure he could go through with this conversation. He sat silently for a few moments, trying to get his breath under control. Finally, he forced it out.

"Since the time I met you, all through our marriage and after, and still to this day, I've been in love with someone. Someone I couldn't be with. It ended badly, and I just.. never got over it."

"And that person is still in Harlan."

"Yes."

"Ava Crowder."

"No. Not Ava."

"Well I don't understand, Raylan. Who could it be? I never see you with anyone from back then except Ava... and Boyd, of course." She gave a little snort of laughter, and Raylan held her gaze as he waited for her to come around to it.

"Raylan?"

He nodded slowly as he saw the thought come to her, and she blinked at him a few times.

"No... no. You're... no! You're not gay. You can't be."

"I'm not gay."

"But... what are you saying?"

"I'm in love with Boyd. Always have been, since we were 19. I don't know how else to say it."

"So...you're... what. Bisexual?"

Raylan didn't really know what to say now. She had more or less figured it out, but he probably needed to actually say it out loud to her. He felt slightly lightheaded, now that this was actually happening.

"Sure. If you need a word, I guess that's the right one."

"How could you not have told me this, Raylan? How could you keep it from me?"

"I didn't think I was ever going to see him again. I thought I could move on. I'm sorry. I never thought - "

"Not that! Why didn't you tell me you were..."

"Oh. I don't know. I sort of thought you knew, actually. I guess I felt uncomfortable enough with it that I figured you wouldn't want to hear about it any more than I wanted to talk about it. I didn't think it would make that much difference. I don't think it really did, generally speaking."

"How in the world could I have known if you never said anything?"

Raylan shrugged a little and looked off to the side. Winona was still staring at him. When she started speaking, she spoke very slowly.  
"When I first met you... you used to come into the bar with your Glynco friends, and I always noticed you. Every time I went there, I would look for you and try to find ways to talk to you."

"I remember."

"You used to always hang around with this one guy... James, I think?"

"Jason."

"Right, Jason. I figured he was your best friend, you guys were always talking, joking around."

"Uh huh."

"After you and I started seeing each other, you stopped going into that bar. Even when you and I weren't doing anything after work, I'd go there with my friends, and I'd see him but never you."

Raylan just looked at her and nodded.

"I never saw you with him again. He wasn't at our wedding, even though everyone else in that crowd was there."

"Yeah."

"So... was he your... boyfriend?"

"Not really. It wasn't serious. It wasn't like with you."

"Oh, no? Well, that's great to hear, Raylan. I'm so glad you didn't tell him you loved him and you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, when the whole time you were pining over some hill trash coal miner neo-Nazi criminal! I feel so special!"

She was crying now, and angrier than he'd ever seen her. He had absolutely no idea what to say. Some small part of him thought maybe he should say something in Boyd's defense, but he knew that was pointless and would just make her more furious. Boyd didn't need Raylan to defend his honor. And anyway, other than a technical point about the neo-Nazi thing, there wasn't much there that he could refute.

He would have liked to hold her while she cried, try to comfort her, but he had no illusions that she would allow such a thing. Even so, he tried to take her hand. She snatched it away and smacked him in the face. He didn't mind that too much, had pretty much expected it.

"Winona. I'm not asking for you to understand, or forgive me. Maybe you'll do those things some day, but I don't expect it of you. I just want to be around for you and... the baby, as much as I can be. Whatever you need from me, you've got it."

"That's a lie, Raylan. What I needed was you, to be there for me, with me, not as some part-time daddy who divides his time between shooting bad guys and fucking them!"

"Wow."

"What did you expect from me? How did you think I would take this? Oh my god. Oh. My. God. He was with you on your little jaunt to wherever, wasn't he? You two were off doing God knows what while I was here puking every morning and looking at paint samples."

"Winona-"

"Boyd Crowder! Gah! I cannot tell you how completely disgusted I am with you right now."

"Winona-"

"Shut up! I'm talking. I just can't understand it, Raylan. What kind of connection could you possibly have to someone like Boyd Crowder?"

She had a desperate and completely perplexed look on her face. At first, the question didn't even make sense to Raylan. He and Boyd came from the same place, the same stock. They'd been in the mines together. They had loved each other as young men in a place and time where such things were very dangerous. How could they not feel connected? Then he realized. He had barely shown any of that to her when they were together the first time. Raylan had taken pains to shake off the coal dust and moonshine, presenting her with someone brand new, someone she could feel comfortable with. Since being back, she had seen that part of his life, had met Arlo and Helen, and Ava, and of course Boyd. But she still thought Raylan was holding himself separate from all that, and he hadn't done much to disabuse her of that notion.

"Winona... This is me. I'm from the same place, it's in me. I know you hate it, but that's pretty much what I was hiding from you all those years. Boyd is a big part of it, but it's more than that. I always knew how you felt about the hills, and the people who came from there. After I told you where I came from, you always seemed so surprised that I could use a goddamn napkin and knew about indoor plumbing that I didn't feel like I could ever really let you in on what it was really like. And mostly I was glad about that, because it was easier that way, but I don't think it was good for us."

"That is so typical. Put it all on me. I'm a bitch, I'm a snob. It's my fault you could never tell me about the boy you loved. Boo fucking hoo, Raylan!"

"No, I'm sorry. I'm not blaming you at all. It did sound like that though... shit, Wi, I am so sorry."

"You certainly are. You need to get the hell out of here, right now."

"No one else knows except Ava. I need to ask you to-"

"Oh, that's just perfect. So now I have to keep your secrets too. Just great. Get out!"

Raylan left. It hadnt gone too terribly badly, but he didn't know where to go from here. He slumped down into the drivers seat and sighed heavily. He remembered that he'd promised to call Boyd when he was finished here, so he did, despite the late hour.

"Hey. You're still alive."

"So far. Did you see Ava?"

"I did. She's an amazing woman, Raylan. Good lord, she deserves a lot better than what we've done to her. Not to mention Bowman."

"I know it."

"So... Winona?"

"Yeah. I did it. It's done."

"So, are we invited for Thanksgiving?"

"Hilarious."

They said their goodbyes and Raylan drove back to his hotel room. Boyd was staying at Ava's place that night, which Raylan understood. He didn't mind a night on his own anyway, sort of needed the space to think. He was glad to have Ava more or less in his corner... or in Boyd's at least. She could have caused a lot of problems for them, but she had a bigger heart than he had even realized.

In the morning, Raylan called Art to tell him that he was ready to come back. Art said to come in and talk, see what they could figure out. He wondered if they were sending him out of Kentucky. It would probably be the smart move, considering how wrapped up in everything he was. He'd warned them it was a bad idea from the beginning, but they hadn't listened, and by the time they realized he'd been right, he'd realized that he wasn't ready to go. Now... well, he wasn't sure.

Raylan walked into the office, said hello to Rachel and Tim, and went straight in to see Art.

"Morning, Raylan. How was your vacation?"

"Restful, thanks."

"Well, that's good. Now we need to figure out what to do with you."

"OK."

"Raylan, you're too involved here. It's messy. You know that."

"Now you're figuring this out? I told you that from the very beginning, when you wanted to send me down to Harlan to talk to Boyd about the church. I said I was too close, I told you I shouldn't be dealing with him. You wait until everything blows up, after making me deal with my father, and the Crowders, and the Bennets. You used me because you knew I'd know how to talk to them and I'd understand the score, and _now_ you're telling me I'm too involved?"

"Raylan, it's not my fault you could never stay within any of the proper parameters. You constantly went way beyond what you were supposed to do, never listened when I told you to back off, always went off on your own to deal with things that shouldn't have concerned you."

"Aaaaah." Raylan made a dismissive motion with his hand and looked away.

"I've decided to recommend you for Glynco, if that's still what you want."

"Oh. Right. Well... I don't know about that now, Art."

"You don't say."

"That was really more what Winona wanted."

"I see. And what she wants is no longer relevant?"

"Not entirely."

Art sighed. "You need to get it together, Raylan. Figure out what it is that you want."

"I'm trying."

"Try harder."

"OK."

The next few months went by, and Raylan went to his job, ate at the cafe in town, and went back to his hotel room. Sometimes Boyd met him in town for dinner, but not very often. Usually, he just headed over to Raylan's room around 7 or 8 and spent the night. It was not what either of them wanted, and it was a sharp contrast to the way things had been on their trip, but they were making do. Raylan wanted to wait until the baby was born and see what Winona decided to do. Boyd was laying low, back at the mines for now. Raylan hated that, the thought of Boyd down there made him feel claustrophobic at odd times during the day, and he felt guilty about it because he was the one keeping them here. Boyd might have a hard time leaving when the time comes, but right now he didn't really have the option.

One rainy morning, Raylan woke up very early. His alarm was set for 6, because Tim was supposed to come and meet him at 7 for a trip to pick up a fugitive near the Tennessee line, but Raylan woke up well before that. Boyd was sleeping on his stomach, and Raylan laid an arm over his back. Boyd tucked himself in closer to Raylan but didn't really wake up. Raylan lay there for a long time, listening to the rain and Boyd's breathing. Just before the alarm was due to go off, he shook Boyd gently to wake him up.

"Hey, it's time."

"It's too early, and it's raining."

"I know, I'm sorry. I gotta get on the road early, and you need to be up and out of here before Tim comes."

"He won't be here for another hour. We can spare another 15 minutes or so, can't we?" Boyd turned onto his side towards Raylan and slid an arm under his neck.

"We probably shouldn't. He's annoyingly punctual."

"Then he won't be early."

"Well..."

" _Raylan..._ "

Raylan groaned. "That ain't fair and you know it."

"I want your mouth on me, _Raylan._ "

Raylan rolled on top of Boyd and grabbed a handful of hair, kissing him hard and licking his neck. Boyd reached down to wrap a hand around Raylan's dick and squeezed it lightly.

"I knew you'd come around."

Raylan slid down and gave Boyd a spectacularly fast blow job that had Boyd gasping and coming in record time, and jerked himself off at the same time.

"Sorry. No time."

"You can make up for it later."

"Maybe. I don't know how long this is going to take, I'm supposed to bring an overnight bag just in case."

"Should I be jealous?"

"Not my type. Too virtuous."

Boyd grinned and headed into the bathroom. Raylan heard the shower running and checked the clock. It was only twenty after, he had time to run down for coffee. He pulled on his clothes from yesterday, ran his fingers through his hair, opened the door and almost ran directly into Deputy Marshal Tim Gutterson.

"Tim! You're early."

"I know, sorry about that. I thought I'd hit more traffic, so I gave myself extra time."

"Well, I was just about to run down for coffee, and I still need to grab a shower..."

"That's ok, I can hang while you get ready."

"Uh..."

"Oh, you've got company, huh."

"Well..."

At that moment, Raylan found out how thin the doors of this shit hole motel really were.

"Raylan, if you're going for coffee, pick me up a paper!" Boyd's voice was almost as clear as if he'd been standing right next to them.

The look on Tim's face might have been funny in any other context, but Raylan was having a hard time finding the humor just then.

"Was that - "

Raylan closed his eyes and held up his hand to stop Tim from continuing. "Tim. Shut up, wait here, I'll be right out."

"Raylan, what the - "

"Just. wait. here."

Raylan went back into the room and walked over to Boyd where he was brushing his teeth at the bathroom sink.

"Boyd. I think you just outed me at work. Tim is outside the door."

"Guess I was wrong about him not being early."

"Boyd, it's not funny. Shit!"

Raylan got undressed and went into the bathroom to clean himself up.

"I'm sorry, Raylan, I didn't know. But..."

"But?"

"But, I don't know, maybe you should be out at work. They're a federal institution, there are laws. It's not like they can fire you for being queer."

"That's not the point and you know it."

"What is the point then, exactly? You're embarrassed? Didn't you give me shit about that once?"

"It's not just that."

"Oh. It's because it's me, right? I can see how that would make it worse."

Raylan paused in the process of pulling on clean clothes.

"I'm not ashamed of you, Boyd."

"Yeah, you are, kind of. But it's ok, I don't blame you. I know how those people see me."

"I'm sorry."

"I really don't care about any of that. You don't need to defend me to them, because it doesn't matter what they think of me. Whatever they think, I've given them plenty of good reasons for it. I only care what you think of me, Raylan."

"I love you."

"I know that."

"So... when do you think you'll be giving the big announcement down at the mine, then?"

"Keep your eyes on the sky, Raylan. You see a bunch of pigs up there, you'll have your answer."

Raylan laughed. "I gotta go."

"Good luck."

Raylan took a deep breath, let it out, and opened the door. Tim was sitting in his car with the engine running. Raylan got in and leaned his head back on the head rest. They rode in silence for about ten minutes, and then Tim spoke.

"So, I was wondering. Are you planning to work your way through the entire population of Kentucky, or are you just sticking to the people in your Google Plus circles?

Raylan couldn't hold back a faint smile at that, but he still didn't know what to say.

"How long has this been going on, Raylan?"

Raylan sighed. He suddenly felt very tired, because he realized he was going to have to have this conversation countless times.

"Well... it's either twenty-plus years, or about four months, depending on how you want to count it."

Tim was quiet, apparently thinking about this.

"Twenty years, huh. So, when you said you and Boyd dug coal together..."

"Oh my God. Stop."

Tim laughed. "Sorry."

After a few more minutes of silence, Tim said, "Boyd Crowder. How about that."

Raylan sighed again and rubbed his face.

"Anything you want to say, I've already heard it from Winona."

"Nah, I was just thinking that I should probably be more surprised than I am. It actually explains a lot."

"Not really. Any loyalty I've shown Boyd since I've been back, I didn't need any more to justify that than the fact that he saved my life down in the mine. Make all the jokes you want about digging coal, those mines are serious business. Tell me it wouldn't be the same for anyone you served with."

"Point taken. Listen, this is your business. I won't say anything to anyone. But... if he's still involved in - "

"He's not."

"Yeah... ok. It's a little hard to believe that he's going to turn around an entire life of crime that he was born and raised into, just because of one person, but I guess I can accept it until I see otherwise. You might want to think about the fact that you might be a little too close to see clearly, though."

Raylan didn't answer, and turned his attention to whatever was going by in the passenger side window. What Tim was saying wasn't unreasonable, and had certainly occurred to Raylan on more than one occasion, but he didn't see the point of dwelling on it, and he definitely did not want to discuss it with Tim or anyone else. What it mostly did was remind him once again how much he wanted to get out of Harlan now, and for Boyd to get out of the damn mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is from "Come Home."


	5. Cause All My Life I've Longed For Forgiveness, But I Can Never Seem to Get Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raylan and Boyd deal with the reality of life together in Harlan. Winona has had her baby. Boyd's past comes back to cause some trouble for them.

Boyd put down his book on Raylan's hotel bed for the fourth time and looked at the clock. It was just after 9, and Raylan was still not back from Winona's. She had given birth two weeks prior to a boy whom she named Andrew. Raylan had been spending several evenings a week over there, and Boyd was trying very hard to have a reasonable attitude about this. He told himself all the time that it was important for Raylan to get to know his son, and to live up to his responsibilities to Winona. He wouldn't be the man Boyd knew him to be if he didn't. Still, it hurt a bit. And now, it was getting pretty late and he wondered if Raylan was planning to return tonight.  
Another 15 minutes went by, and Boyd didn't even try to read anymore. He poured another glass of bourbon and sat at the table by the window. Finally, Raylan's car pulled up and he walked up with an apologetic look on his face.

"I'm sorry I'm so late. I promised I'd get the baby to sleep for her, and I ended up falling asleep on the couch."

"That's alright. I'm just glad you're here now."

Raylan sat down on the edge of the bed and started taking off his shirt. Boyd came over and sat next to him, trying to figure out how to say what was in his mind.

"Raylan, I want you to listen to me for a minute. I need to say something now, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad about anything. I just need you to hear this."

"I'm listening," Raylan said in a wary voice.

"I know things are different now. You have a child. Maybe that changes the way you feel about Winona, or me, or what you want. If it does, I'm not going to make things hard for you. We're not teenagers anymore. I'm not going to push you away because I'm scared. You have to make the choice."

"I already made my choice. Don't talk like that."

"Raylan, I don't want to be the one to hold you to a promise that you don't want to keep anymore. That's the last thing I want to do."

"Boyd, I'm sorry I'm so late tonight. I honestly was just exhausted. I'm glad to be back here, with you."

"It's not about tonight. You need to be a father to your son. How are you going to do that if you only get to visit for a couple hours after work?"

"He's not going to be two weeks old forever. He gets older, he can come for visits. It'll be fine."

"You keep saying that, it'll be fine, it'll be ok. You really believe that?"

"I... yes. Don't you?"

"Raylan... you know as well as I do that she's not going to let that kid get anywhere near me. You really see her letting you take him for weekends as long as we're together?"

"He's my son. She can't... if I have to take her to court, then that's what I'll do."

"Well, call me a cynic, but good luck finding a judge who takes your side over hers, when you're shacked up with a _guy_ who also happens to be an ex-con with past ties to the white supremacist movement. You see what I'm saying? I won't be the person who keeps you from your kid. I told you before, Raylan. I _know_ what's in your heart. And you know what's in mine, I know you do. That means I don't want to be the one who makes you a miserable, guilty, regret-filled bastard. You know who you'll be then? Arlo."

Raylan turned toward Boyd and reached up to start unbuttoning his shirt. He leaned in to kiss him as he did this, first on the lips, then the jaw, then his neck. He slid the shirt from Boyd's shoulders and ran his hands from his shoulders down to his wrists and held them lightly.

"I wasted more than twenty years on guilt and regret, Boyd. There's nothing you can tell me about it that I don't already know, but I'll tell you this. I'm not going to be any kind of good example for my son if I try to be with his mother. That's not the kind of husband I want to show him. He's better off seeing me with you."

Boyd looked into his eyes and he could see how much Raylan wanted to believe everything he was saying. Boyd swallowed a lump in his own throat and rolled his eyes. "I ain't your wife, Raylan."

"Thank God for that. You're a terrible cook."

"I'm good at other things, though."

"So good."

They kissed again and Boyd reached down to palm Raylan's crotch through his jeans. Raylan growled and pushed him back onto the bed.

"I made my choice. Understand?"

Boyd knew that Raylan was going to have to make the choice over and over, that this wasn't the end of it, but there was no point in talking about it anymore. Not now, not when he could have Raylan's mouth, Raylan's hands all over him. Even if it didn't turn out to be forever, he had it now, so he wasn't going to waste more time on worrying about what he couldn't control. He took Raylan's (beautiful, strong) hand and kissed the palm, then pulled it down to his cock.

"I understand that you're about to fuck me into tomorrow morning."

"You always were a fast learner."

************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Boyd punched out after work the next day and headed out to his truck. Ava had said she would cook for him tonight, and he had already told Raylan that he wouldn't be over. He thought he'd get some reading in and go to bed early, try to get some perspective on things. Now that Winona had decided not to go live with her sister in Virginia, which she had been considering, he and Raylan needed to make a plan. Everything still felt like it was up in the air, when it really shouldn't be at this point. They were both putting off making any decisions, but neither of them seemed to know what they were waiting for.   
When Boyd got close to the truck, he realized there was someone leaning on it. It didn't take him long to recognize Danny Baker, a hard, mean son of a bitch he'd known in prison. He'd been an acquaintance of Bo's, mostly, though Boyd had had some dealings with him as well.

"Hello, Danny."

"Boyd Crowder, just the man I wanted to see."

"Guess that's why you're leaning on my truck. What can I do for you?"

"I got some pressing business up outside of Frankfort. I figured a guy with your talents was just what I needed for backup."

"I'm not in that business anymore. I can't help you."

"I see that, all covered in coal dust and blinkin' like a bat. What the hell happened to you?"

"I'm tired. Tired of trouble, tired of jail. I'm out."

"Boyd, I did a lot for your daddy inside. We had plans to work together once I got out."

"My daddy's dead, case you missed it. I ain't him."

Boyd pushed past him and got into his truck.

"I wish you luck, Danny, but you gotta find someone else to help you out."

He drove out to Ava's, and the uneasy feeling he'd gotten when he first saw Danny didn't go away. Ava was already in the kitchen, getting some chicken ready to fry. Boyd came in and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Boyd, get that mess outa my kitchen! Go take a shower, then come back and talk to me."

Boyd went to get cleaned up, feeling thankful for Ava like he did pretty much every time he saw her. When he came back in, she was putting the chicken pieces into the fryer and stirring up something green in another pot on the stove.

"That's a lot of chicken, Ava. Someone else coming?"

"As a matter of fact, there is. I invited Raylan over for dinner too. Didn't he say?"

"I haven't talked to Raylan since this morning. What brought that on?"

"It's been awhile, that's all. And Boyd... you know... he can stay over, if you want. I appreciate you being so careful with me about all that, but there's no need."

"Ava... you don't have to..."

"I said it's fine, I meant it."

Boyd looked at her for a few more moments, wondering why it was that he couldn't just be in love with this gorgeous woman, who was also an excellent person, and who understood him better than anyone else, aside from Raylan. As he stood there, smelling the frying food, he realized something.

"Ava, you're making fried chicken."

"You _are_ a bright one, aren't you?"

"Ava... you're making fried chicken... for Raylan and me."

"Boyd, I only make so many different meals. If I have to avoid ones that might remind you and Raylan of times when you got shot or shot someone else, I'd better learn to make sushi. It's my chicken, you both love it, and you'll sit and eat it in my dining room like civilized people."

"I do love you, Ava Crowder."

She sighed and stirred the greens again.

"Set the table, ok?"

Boyd went to do that, and soon after he heard a car pull up and Ava opening the door. He heard Raylan's voice in the kitchen and went in to say hi. Raylan was kissing Ava on the cheek and thanking her for inviting him. He had brought a bottle of wine and the half-filled bottle of bourbon from his hotel room. Raylan looked at Boyd for a few seconds, apparently making up his mind about something. Then he walked over and gave Boyd a kiss much like the one he'd given Ava when he came in.

"Always gotta be the one at the wheel, don't you?" Boyd gave a half-smile and took the bourbon and wine from him. He put the wine in the fridge and got out three glasses for the bourbon. Truthfully, he didn't really mind, despite having given Raylan some grief about that once. If Ava was offering to let him stay over, she couldn't be too shocked about a kiss on the cheek. He felt slightly dizzy when he turned toward the two of them, holding out their drinks. It was such a domestic scene, the three of them in the warm kitchen with the delicious smell of frying chicken and cooking greens, drinking bourbon and smiling at each other. It couldn't be this easy, could it? Of course, Ava herself wasn't exactly what you'd call a conventional person. She had a great deal of love to give, and wasn't particularly concerned with propriety of any sort. It made a kind of sense that she would understand their situation, because she gave a lot of weight to love and loyalty.

When dinner was ready, they helped carry everything out to the dining room, and Boyd sat down in his usual seat without thinking about it. He looked up to see Raylan frozen in place with a plate of biscuits in his hand, staring at the table. Ava put her arm around him and said, "Raylan. It's only dinner. Just sit down, honey. Sit next to Boyd this time, not across from him."

Raylan looked a little shaky, but he wiped his hand across his face and sat down. "Sorry. It just hit me all of a sudden."

"Don't be sorry, it's my fault. I thought it would be ok," Ava said softly.

Boyd snorted a laugh. "Hey, when I mentioned it, you told me to get over myself. Why're you being so nice to him about it?"

"Well, it was obviously much more traumatic for him, Boyd. You didn't see how he was after that."

"I'm the one who got shot!" Boyd was laughing now, realizing that Ava had done this on purpose. Raylan was laughing a little too.

"Don't you blame that on him. You wanted so bad to find out what he was packing. He said you'd pay, and I guess you did."

"Worth every penny," he said, glancing over at Raylan.

Ava looked a little embarrassed, but pleased enough anyway. They ate dinner, which was delicious as always, and drank Raylan's wine. They all sat at the table for a long time, talking, and Boyd felt like they were all making something together. He had never been a part of anything that felt like a family. He'd been part of a clan, people who called themselves family, but really it was just a big net of obligation and enforced loyalty. There wasn't much love to spare in the Crowder household, especially after Boyd's mama died. This here felt like family, or at least, what he had always thought it should feel like.

After awhile, he and Raylan cleared the table and did the washing up. Ava, who had been yawning for the last ten minutes, said goodnight and went upstairs. After they finished the dishes, Boyd leaned back on the counter and Raylan came over and stood next to him.

"Nice night."

"Yeah, it was. Ava said she doesn't care if you stay over, if you want to."

"I want to."

"Let's go to bed, then."

When they got there, Boyd didn't want to hurry anything. He went slowly, trying to stay in this moment and enjoy being here. They kissed for a long time, which he knew Raylan loved. Boyd was a good kisser, and it was still a thrill to kiss Raylan. Tonight was no less so, but it was more than that. Boyd felt hopeful in a way that he hadn't felt since Michigan. Raylan was right, it had been a very nice night. He still couldn't quite see how it was going to happen, but he knew he wanted more evenings with Raylan and Ava, and eventually other friends, maybe. When he and Raylan were kids, it had been impossible to conceive of such a thing. Boyd supposed that by now, even this little corner of the world had been exposed to enough of the outside for some of them to allow for certain differences, and maybe this wouldn't be so universally despised. Still, it wasn't like he and Raylan could openly live together here in Harlan, or walk down the street holding hands. The thought made Boyd grin for a second, until he really thought about what could happen. If he and Raylan had been from somewhere outside, if everyone didn't know who they were and where they came from, if they didn't both have so many enemies already, then it could possibly have worked, so long as they were very discreet. As things stood, it just wasn't feasible.

After sex, they continued to hold on to each other. After a few minutes, Raylan spoke quietly.

"Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something. I was thinking... you were right. There's really no reason for me to lie about myself at work. I'm gonna tell Art, and Rachel, I guess. Tim already knows, of course. Then maybe... we get a place in Lexington. It's big enough, we should be ok. If you want to, I mean. I've been told I'm a pain in the ass to live with."

"Really? You sure?"

"Well, I am pretty messy and I leave the seat up..."

"I should hope you do. Seriously though, Raylan. That's..."

"I want to, Boyd. Didn't you feel it tonight? This works better when we're not spending all of our energy lying to everyone around us."

"I felt it. That's Ava, though. She loves us, for some reason."

"Ain't that something?"

"You don't think she's angling for an invitation, do you?"

"Christ. I hope not. One Crowder at a time is about all I can handle."

Boyd was glad to hear him say so, even though he wasn't entirely sure Raylan would refuse something like that. It hadn't been a big concern, but it was always in the back of his mind that Raylan was much more attracted to women than he himself was. There wasn't anything he could do about it, but it worried him from time to time anyway.

They didn't talk much more, but Boyd found himself saying things to Raylan that he normally kept inside his head. He had told Raylan that he loved him on a couple of occasions, but he simply wasn't the type of person to verbalize his feelings all the time. He would talk about sex, or talk around the subject, hoping that Raylan would understand him (which he was pretty sure Raylan did), but tonight he said the kinds of things that Raylan sometimes did. He told him that he loved him, that he was so glad to have Raylan there with him, that this all felt like an undeserved gift that had been given to him. Raylan tightened his hold around him for a minute, and then they turned onto their sides to sleep.

Boyd was awoken some time later by Raylan getting quickly out of bed and pulling on a pair of jeans.

"What's going on?"

"Not sure, but I heard something."

Boyd heard it then, a muffled banging noise coming from down the hall. Raylan had his holster on and was heading down towards Ava's room. Then he heard a scream that was cut off abruptly, probably by a hand over the mouth. He pulled on his own jeans and followed Raylan out the door. When he reached Ava's room, Raylan had already flung open the door and pulled Danny Baker off of Ava and had his gun trained on him. He tossed a pair of handcuffs to Boyd, who caught them and cuffed Baker behind his back.

"What the fuck is this, Boyd? You some kind of lawman's bitch now?"

"Shut the fuck up. Not another goddamn word," said Raylan grimly. He dragged Baker out of the room and brought him to the kitchen.

Boyd sat down on Ava's bed, looking her over.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah... he didn't have a chance to do much. Who the hell was that? Why did he know your name?"

"Ava, I am so sorry. I brought this on you, and I didn't even consider the possibility of something like this happening. His name's Danny Baker, we did a little time together. He was tight with Bo, figured I'd help him out with a job. I said no, and I guess he came here tonight to try to... convince me."

"Swear to me you're telling the truth. Swear to God you don't have anything to do with him, Boyd."

"I swear. I wouldn't lie to you, Ava."

She looked at him skeptically, and he smiled down at the bed.

"I know, you have no reason to trust me. But I trust you, and you know that's a hard thing for me to do. I'm not lying to you."

"OK. What're you going to do now?"

"I don't know, I need to go find out. You should put something on."

Boyd went down the hall to his room and put on a shirt and some shoes, then grabbed the same for Raylan. He went down to the kitchen to find Danny sitting on a chair and Raylan across from him with a gun trained on him, his bare feet propped up on the table.

"Boyd, can you grab Ava's shotgun and sit here with this asshole for a minute?"

Boyd went to get it, came back and handed Raylan his clothes. Raylan went to get dressed and Boyd sat down with Danny Baker.

"Your daddy never told me you was a faggot, Boyd. I figured you'd be fuckin' that fine piece of ass that I almost had before your boyfriend interrupted."

"I don't know what you think you're talking about, Danny, but you need to shut the fuck up about Ava right now. Raylan happens to be bound by the law, but I wouldn't mind shooting you right now and taking my chances."

Raylan came back into the kitchen just then and snarled, "I thought I told you to shut your goddamn mouth, asshole."

Raylan called the sheriff, who showed up a short while later with another officer who took Baker out of the house. The sheriff spoke with each of them, taking them by turns into the living room. He spoke with Ava and Raylan first, then called for Boyd.

"Boyd, you live here, right?

"That's right. For about a year now."

"So where were you when Ava was being attacked?"

"I's out back of the house, drinking with Raylan."

"What exactly is Deputy Marshal Givens' relationship to the two of you?"

"He's a friend. He was here for dinner, Ava went to bed and Raylan and I sat up awhile. We go back a ways."

"I know you do. It's just a little hard to swallow. The man shot you almost as soon as he got back into town and slept with the girl you're now living with. You must be a hell of a forgiving man."

"You ever work in the mines, sheriff?"

"Nope, I lucked out of that, I guess."

"Well, then maybe you won't get it. But like I said, we go back a ways."

He continued to question Boyd for awhile about Danny Baker, and what he might know about the job Baker had planned, but eventually seemed satisfied that Boyd didn't really know anything. By the time he left, the sun was just starting to peek up over the horizon. Boyd and Ava both went back to bed to get a little more sleep, but Raylan said he might as well just head in to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Peaceful Valley."


	6. Are We Really Who We Used to Be, Am I Really Who I Was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of things the way they were, and the beginning of something new.

Raylan was exhausted. He'd barely gotten any sleep the night before, and his mind wouldn't stop going over the same ground. He sat down at his desk with a very large coffee, and looked up whatever he could find on Danny Baker. He didn't see anything that surprised him - meth, guns, fighting, the usual nonsense. After an hour or so, Art came in and shot him a severe look.

"In my office, Raylan. Now."

Raylan came in, closed the door behind him and sat down.

"You look like shit, boy. You want to explain the courtesy call I got from the Harlan County sheriff's office this morning?"

"You mean the one about me saving Ava Crowder from a rape and beating, possibly worse?"

"Raylan, what the hell were you doing out at Ava Crowder's place? I thought you weren't involved with her anymore."

"I'm not _involved_ with her, she's a friend. I had dinner there, decided to stay over."

"And you were sitting out back of the house, drinking with Boyd Crowder at 2am, when this Danny Baker character broke in and attacked her? You didn't hear anything until he was in her room, somehow? How does that work, if you're outside?"

"OK, Art. You really want to know? I wasn't drinking. And I wasn't out back."

"Raylan, goddamn it. I know I am going to regret this question, but tell me. What exactly were you doing, and where?"

Raylan ran his hands through his hair, leaned back, then sat forward.

"I was sleeping. In Boyd's room."

"Boyd's room?" Art looked confused. "I assumed he was sharing a bed with Ava Crowder."

"Yes, well, several months ago that would have been correct. Now he has his own room."

"Which you were sleeping in."

"Correct."

"Why?"

"Pardon?"

"Why the hell were you sleeping in there? It's a big house. I've been in there, she's got a guest room."

"Uh... well, I. That is, Boyd and I - "

"Stop right there. Are you seriously telling me that you... that you... Goddamn it, Raylan. This makes no sense."

"Well, that's quite a common sentiment. I don't really agree, but I get it."

"You need to get your life in order, son. This won't do."

"It's going to have to. It's how things are."

" _Why?_ "

"There's history involved. It's complicated."

"You don't say."

"I'm working on it."

"Working on it. At Ava Crowder's house. Well, that would obviously simplify things. Nothing complicated about that whole situation."

"Ava's not a problem."

"Maybe not, but Boyd Crowder is, Raylan. You really believe that story of his, that he had nothing to do with that scumbag?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about. You're too close to it. Last year, you would have been the first person to suspect him of involvement here."

"And last year, I might have been right. I don't believe it to be the case now."

"I wonder why that is."

"Because I know what he's about, Art. I knew it last year, I knew it twenty years ago, and I know it now. I know where he's at and what's going on in his mind. Boyd has done some bad things, some very bad things. You think I don't know it? I'm not suddenly stupid just because I happen to be in love with him."

"In love." Art was pinching the bridge of his nose as if trying to ward off a migraine. "Raylan... I hope you'll take this in the manner in which it's intended. You probably don't want to be spreading the information that you're _in love_ with Boyd Crowder all around the office. Not that we aren't all terribly enlightened and tolerant around here, but there's a limit. Jesus Christ."

"Right. I know, you're right. Art, I appreciate what you're saying. I'll keep it in mind."

Raylan left the inner office and sat down heavily at his desk. Tim had come in while Raylan was in with Art, and he raised an eyebrow.

"What did Art want?"

"He wanted to find out what I was doing at Ava's last night when she was attacked in the middle of the night by some nasty ex-con who was in prison with Boyd."

Tim paused and nodded, as if this made perfect sense to him.

"You were... with Ava?"

"No, I wasn't 'with Ava.' I was at Ava's house."

"Then I can guess what you were doing."

"I was sleeping, Tim. It was the middle of the night, remember?"

"So... you told that to Art?"

"I did."

"Did you tell him where you were sleeping?"

"Yep."

"Was he excruciatingly uncomfortable?"

"He was pissed. He thinks my life is too complicated and I bring too much drama to my job. And he thinks it's a bad idea to tell people I'm involved with Boyd."

"I really wish I could say I disagree, but..."

"I know. How much easier would this go, do you think, if it were any other guy except Boyd?"

"Some. A good deal, probably. Not completely easy though, I'm sure. No one could ever fault you for your nerve, Raylan, that's for damn sure."

Raylan brought some sandwiches over to Winona's after work and spent some time with Andrew. He and Winona were getting along ok, though they both avoided any mention of Boyd or their own past. The baby still slept most of the time, but Raylan enjoyed the feeling of the tiny, warm weight on his chest. Winona usually went to take a bath when he got there, or sometimes she'd run out to the store, but tonight she stayed in the living room.

"Raylan... I don't know how to do this. I still love you, you know. It hurts to have you here, but not really here."

Raylan looked at her. She was so lovely, despite her obvious exhaustion. It wasn't that he had no feelings left for her - he did, and so he understood how she was feeling now. This should have been a happy time for the two of them, but all they felt when they were together was sadness.

"Winona, I know. I don't know what to say. I don't know how else to do this. I'm sorry."

"I just... really don't understand what happened. We were together. It seemed like... I don't know, like..."

"Like things were going to be different. Different from the last time, when it didn't work between us. I know. I wanted it to be different too, I hoped it could. But it was the same, and that's not your fault. It has nothing to do with you." Raylan knew he was getting dangerously close to a forbidden topic, so he closed his mouth. She didn't need to hear all that again, really.

Winona didn't say anything else, just walked upstairs and started running a bath. Raylan lay still on the couch for a long time, his hand resting on his son's back and thinking about what it would be like if this was his real life. Coming home from work, eating dinner, holding his baby and going to bed with his beautiful wife. It sounded perfect, in theory, except that he knew that along with that life would come an empty feeling, a piece missing from his heart that would eventually drive her away and that would turn him back into the person she'd called the angriest man she'd ever known.

When he got back to his room later, Boyd wasn't there. Raylan had left a message on his cell before going over to Winona's but he hadn't heard back. He figured maybe Boyd wanted to be with Ava because of the attack, which was understandable. He thought about calling, but decided to wait until the next day. He sat down on the edge of the bed and suddenly realized just how tired he was. He fell asleep very quickly, although his sleep was very light and he had disturbing dreams that he was unable to remember when he woke up.

He tried Boyd's cell in the morning, before he'd be at the mine, but got no answer. Raylan thought it was probably stupid to worry, but he did anyway. He called Ava next and asked how she was doing. Predictably, she said she was fine. He wanted to ask about Boyd, but he figured she'd tell him if anything was going on, so he decided to lay off. Maybe he just needed some time to himself, something Raylan could well understand, and he didn't want to get in the way of it.

After another day passed with no word from Boyd at all, Raylan realized that something was going on, and when Boyd didn't answer the phone again, he went out to Ava's very early in the morning. Boyd's truck was still there, so he knocked. Ava answered with a look of resigned worry.

"Hey, Raylan. Boyd's in the kitchen, you go on in." She held the screen door open for him and walked out on the porch with her coffee and a cigarette.

Raylan walked into the kitchen, poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down across from Boyd.

"Morning, Raylan."

"You want to tell me what's going on? Did I do something I'm not aware of?"

"You didn't do anything."

Raylan was not liking the way this conversation was going at all. It reminded him of how he had spoken to Winona a few nights before.

"Why didn't you return my calls?"

"I needed some time to think, Raylan. Hearing your voice would have complicated matters."

"What matters?"

"Danny Baker. He has friends in town. And now he knows something that can hurt me. And you. We need to cool it. I can't see you for awhile."

"He doesn't know shit, Boyd. No one's going to believe him, anyway."

"You think not? I'm not so sure. Tell me something, how surprised has anyone been when you've filled them in on our little secret? How shocked was Tim, for instance? Or Winona? People believe what they see in front of their face, for the most part, even if part of them feels like it's not quite right. But once you tell them the truth, then they can hardly believe they didn't see it before, because they realize they've actually known it all along."

"Come into Lexington with me on Saturday. We'll find an apartment, we'll get it this weekend. Forget Harlan, we're done here."

"Lexington won't work, Raylan. You know that. It's too close, there are too many people who know me, who knew my daddy. It's dangerous. There's nowhere that's going to work for us, because of who I am." Boyd looked desolate, like he'd been over this a million times and couldn't see a way through.

"So that's it. You're just giving up."

"There's nothing else to do."

"There was no point to any of this, was there? I thought you were different now, but you're not."

"Don't say that. It's not true."

"What am I supposed to do now?"

"I don't know, Raylan. Get your place in Lexington. Get your custody arrangement set up. Live your life. Hell, go back to Winona if you want to. Tell her you dumped my ass because you just couldn't let her go - it'll work like a charm, believe me. I know part of you wants that anyway."

"Not the part that matters."

"Yeah, well. I'm sure your part can find some on the side when it needs to. You got a few years left, good- looking guy like you."

"You still think that's what it's about, huh? After all this time. You think I would have picked _you_ if that's what it was? How fuckin' dumb do you think I am, Boyd?"

"I don't know, Raylan. Just how dumb are you? I'm telling you it's over, but you're still sitting there. Get outa here."

 

Raylan walked out of the house in a daze and stood next to Ava.

"I'm sorry, Raylan. He's wrong. But he's stubborn."

"This is just like the last time. Ava... why is he doing this?"

"He thinks he's saving you. Just like before."

"He was wrong then, and he's wrong now."

"I know."

Raylan sat next to her on the top step and put his face in his hands. She rubbed his back, and he thought he would start crying, but he didn't. He realized that he'd been waiting for this to happen since the day they got back together. He'd never really trusted what they had, and he knew that Boyd hadn't. After about five minutes, he told Ava goodbye and headed in to work.

Rachel had a line on someone they'd been looking for a few weeks prior, so Raylan volunteered to go out with her. He was going out of his mind sitting at his desk, and felt like he needed to move around. Plus, he knew Rachel wouldn't ask annoying personal questions like Tim might. She was a private person, which he greatly appreciated at all times, but especially today. They talked about the fugitive, made a plan, stopped for coffee once, and eventually caught up with their quarry at his cousin's house and arrested him without great incident. It was just what he needed. They got back to the office and did the paperwork, and at around 4, Raylan's phone buzzed.

"Winona. Everything OK?"

She spoke very quickly and quietly. "No, not really! Gary is here! Raylan, he's scaring me. He says he wants me back, but he doesn't seem right. He's acting kind of crazy - "

"The baby? Winona, where is Andrew?"

"He's right here, Raylan. I told Gary I needed to change his diaper. I mean, this is probably nothing, but..."

"I'm on my way. Stay calm, act like everything's ok."

Raylan was already up and walking toward the door.

"Raylan, what's going on?"

"Nothing. Winona had a small emergency, that's all. I'll call in a bit."

"Need any help?"

"I don't think so, but thanks."

They got to Winona's house, knocked, and after a minute or so, Winona came to the door.. She looked terrified. Raylan walked into the living room, where Gary was sitting on the sofa with an unpleasant smile on his face, holding the baby. In his right hand, he had a gun.

"Well, look who it is! Raylan Givens. What a surprise."

"Not too surprising, Gary. My son lives here, I visit pretty often. I am surprised to see you, though."

"I bet you are. I thought about it for a long time, you know, almost stayed away. Really tried to. But in the end, I just couldn't do it. My whole life is here, you see. Winona. And now, she has this beautiful baby. You say that's your son, huh?"

"That's right." Raylan slowly walked toward Gary. "Mind if I hold him? I don't see him as much as I'd like to."

"Well, I don't know about that, Raylan," he said, ignoring Raylan's request. "He's just about the right age where I'm not sure either of us can really know that, wouldn't you say?"

Winona sighed angrily at that and said, "Gary, the baby is Raylan's. There's no doubt."

"OK, OK. Still and all, it doesn't matter, really. I'd be happy to raise him with you, Winona. Seeing as how you and Raylan aren't together anymore, like you said."

"Gary. I'd like to hold Andrew now, ok? Please."

"Nice to hear you say please, Raylan. I'm used to you barking orders at me and pointing guns in my face, so this is refreshing."

"Well, I'm sorry about all that. If I could just get my kid, we can talk about whatever you like."

"I don't think so." Gary lifted the gun towards Raylan, and Raylan drew on him.

"Raylan!" Winona screamed.

"Hush, Winona. It's going to be fine. We're just talking here." Raylan shut out all of the noise in his head. His entire being was focused on Gary and Andrew.

"Don't worry, sweetheart. Raylan's not going to shoot me. This is his son, after all. He wouldn't risk it. Would you, Raylan?"

"Gary, I know that you do not want a baby's life on your conscience. Please put him down. Now."

"So you can shoot me? Good thought, but I don't think so."

"Then just put the gun down."

"Hmm... no."

"What are you trying to accomplish here, Gary?"

"I only want Winona. You can keep your kid, Raylan. You let me go with Winona, I'll leave the baby in a safe place for you. How's that sound?"

"I'm afraid that doesn't work for me. But if you put Andrew down now, I'll let you have Winona. Like she told you, we're not together anymore."

Winona nodded vigorously. "Yes, that's right Gary. I'll go with you, just put him down on the sofa. Please."

"No, I don't think that's going to work."

Winona was walking toward Gary now, holding out her hands. "Here, let me take him. I will go with you, I will. I'm glad you're back, Gary."

"Winona, just sit down," Raylan said in a low voice.

She ignored him, walking forward a few more steps. She stopped when he turned his gun toward her.

"Raylan, you need to put that gun away. You're not going to shoot me when I'm holding your child, and it's making me very nervous."

"Gary, you are pointing a gun at the woman you claim to love."

"Raylan, please put it away," Winona begged, crying now.

"OK, I will. I'll put it away." He did.

Everything happened very fast then, although later Raylan would play it back in slow motion in his mind, over and over. Gary shoved the infant at Winona, then raised the gun at Raylan, who lunged forward to tackle him. The air exploded with the sound of a gunshot, and the baby was screaming at the top of his lungs. Raylan wrested the gun from Gary's hands and cuffed him. Only then did he realize what had happened. He looked over to see Andrew half on top of Winona, who was slumped over and covered in blood. This was the part that Raylan remembered. What happened in the next moment, and for the next several hours, he had no memory of at all. The next thing he was aware of was sitting in Art's office, a bourbon in his hands, trying not to spill it with his shaking hands. Andrew was with Winona's mother, he knew, and he was grateful for this because the idea of trying to hold him right now was frightening.

"Raylan. We don't need to talk about this anymore tonight, but I don't want to send you home by yourself. Is there someone I can call for you?"

Raylan's brain was still not processing things properly, and it took him awhile to understand what Art was asking. Finally he understood.

"Ava. Call Ava for me. Her number's on my phone." He handed it over.

Art nodded slowly and made the call. Raylan drank the bourbon, plus another, while he waited for her to show up. When she finally did, Raylan could see that she'd been crying. She hugged Raylan, who hugged her stiffly back.

"C'mon Raylan, let's go."

They walked out of the office, and Raylan saw Boyd leaning up against the wall next to the elevator.

Raylan stared at him as if he had no idea who he was, and said in a hollow voice, "What are you doing here?"

"I didn't know if you'd want me to come, but I had to. I'm so sorry, Raylan."

"Yeah, right."

"Raylan - "

"Forget it. There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do. You can't make it better this time, Boyd. Not for anyone."

The look in Boyd's eyes was full of pain, but Raylan couldn't worry about that now. He had a long night ahead of him, watching Winona get killed over and over in his head and picking apart all the chances he might have had to save her. Ava offered to have Raylan stay at the house, and he knew that Boyd would make himself scarce if she asked, but he didn't really want that. He asked her to drop him back at his hotel. She came in and lay down with him awhile, holding him. He thought about fucking her, wondered if that would make him feel any better, but he knew it would probably just end up making him feel like shit for using her. She was the last person in the world he wanted to do something like that to. Eventually she left, and Raylan drank some more. He finally fell asleep sometime around dawn and slept through until noon the next day.

He spent the rest of the day, and the next several days, getting everything in place. He wanted to see the Harlan in his rear view no later than the end of the week. Boyd called his cell about a dozen times, and Raylan never answered.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

It was February, and bitterly cold in Syracuse, NY, icy rain slanting down from a steel-colored sky. Raylan's house was warm, though, and he was lying on the sofa watching Andrew try to get up on his hands and knees to crawl. The baby was very persistent, occasionally making frustrated noises when he couldn't quite manage what he was trying to do, and sometimes looking up at Raylan with the most amazing smile.

"You can do it, kid. You'll be running the bases before too long."

After a bit more of this, Raylan picked him up and lifted him up to sit on his stomach. Andrew grabbed his thumbs and tried to move his arms around, laughing with the most delighted expression Raylan had ever seen aimed at himself. He wasn't happy, exactly, but he felt satisfied that he'd finally made the best decision that had been available to him. He wasn't sure about upstate New York - he thought he might want to start looking around for a warmer climate after another year or so - but it was reassuring in its unlikeness to Kentucky. There were similarities too, of course - anywhere that had poverty, there were going to be similarities to all other places that had poverty - but it was different enough that it was like a balm to Raylan's mind.

The doorbell rang, which always made Raylan nervous on the rare occasions he heard it. He hadn't made any friends yet, wasn't sure he wanted to, and he had no idea who would be coming to his door on a day like this. He put Andrew in his playpen and went to the door. When he opened it and saw who it was, however, he felt no surprise at all. Boyd stood in his doorway, ice in his hair and wearing only a flannel jacket over his shirt, no gloves or hat. For a moment, Raylan considered just shutting the door in his face. He didn't know if he could stand to open any of this up again, now that he finally felt like he was scabbing over. In the end, he stood aside and let him in. Boyd removed his icy jacket and sat down in a chair near the sofa. Raylan sat on the edge of the sofa facing him.

"Boyd. What are you doing here?"

"You left again, Raylan. I know you had to, just like I knew the first time. Only, the first time you asked me to come with you, and I was too scared. That was my fault. I always let you blame yourself for that, I let myself blame you, but it was me."

"What do you want from me, Boyd?"

"I don't want anything from you. I want _you._ "

"It's too late for all that. I can't be that person again."

"What person is that?"

"Boyd... I feel broken. Do you understand? I don't feel like any part of me will ever work right again."

"Oh Raylan, of course I understand that. I know that feeling first hand. I came straight to you, remember? You helped me."

"You said you were lost."

"Yes."

"Did I really help you?"

"Raylan, you have helped me more than I can say. Now I want you to let me help you."

"I don't think you can."

Boyd stood up. "Come here to me."

"What? No."

Boyd walked over to where he was sitting and held out his hand. "Get up, Raylan."

Raylan stared at him for a few seconds, then reluctantly took Boyd's hand and let himself be pulled up. Boyd pulled him into a hug, which Raylan returned - hesitantly at first, then sinking into it when he realized how much he had needed it. How much he had needed Boyd, without knowing it. He felt a dam break inside of himself, and he was finally able to feel all the grief he'd suppressed about the end of their relationship. In his horror over what had happened to Winona, and the practical necessities of his child and his new job, he had pushed everything else down where he couldn't see it, so far down that it hadn't even ached anymore - it had gone numb.

"You're not broken, Raylan. You're just sad. You can be sad, you should be, it's not going to kill you."

Raylan was shaking in Boyd's arms, beyond speech or even tears. Boyd just kept holding on, even after it stopped. He finally loosened his arms and pulled back to look at Raylan's face. Just then, Andrew uttered a piercing shriek, and they both looked over. He had gotten himself up onto his hands and knees and was rocking back and forth, trying to move forward. Raylan's voice wasn't quite steady, but he smiled. "Way to go, kid. You're on your way." He walked over to pick him up and sat down with him on the sofa.

Boyd sat down next to them and took off his boots. Raylan looked at him with a half-smile and said, "I guess you're staying, then."

Boyd leaned back against the arm of the sofa, reached up and gently pulled Raylan's shoulder so that he settled back against him, holding the baby against his chest.

"I ain't going anywhere, Raylan."

 

Last time I was here it was raining  
It ain’t raining anymore  
The streets were drownin', the water’s waning  
All the ruins washed ashore  
Now I’m just looking through the rubble  
Tryin’ to find out who we were  
Last time I was here it was raining  
It ain’t raining anymore

Last time I was here you were waiting  
You’re not waiting anymore  
The window’s broke and the smoke’s escaping  
All the books scattered across the floor  
And the church bells are ringing through the sirens  
And your coat was full of bullet holes  
Last time I was here you were waiting  
You’re not waiting anymore

So  
May the wind blow  
May the moonlight know your name  
So  
Let the needle move the record ‘round  
Till the walls cave in  
And you and I we’re out there dancing  
In the dirty rain

Last time I was here it was raining  
Like you have never seen it rain  
And your eyes were filled with terror  
And smoke from the gasoline  
As the stars exploded with gunfire  
I saw you smiling just before  
Last time I was here you were crying  
You’re not crying anymore

So  
May the wind blow  
May the moonlight know your name  
So  
Let the needle move the record ‘round  
Till the walls cave in  
You and I we’re out there dancing  
In the dirty rain

The dirty rain  
In the dirty rain

-Ryan Adams, "Dirty Rain"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is from "Lucky Now," but the song that really makes me think of Raylan and Boyd is "Dirty Rain". I've been wanting to use it for awhile, and I think it could have worked for a couple of other chapters, but I thought it was a good way to kind of sum up the relationship they have and the one I created for them here. Even if you haven't been interested enough to listen to any of the songs I used in the chapter titles, you should give this one a listen.
> 
> I would really love to hear what you think of the story, either this one or the first one in the series. The first one was a lot more fun to write, and came much more easily. This one was much tougher, because their situation was actually a pretty difficult one. I wanted to make it seem like it could possibly have worked out, and that was hard to do. I love the pairing, but it does seem a lot more likely that they would end tragically than with any kind of happy, normal relationship. Still, I wanted to give it a try, and I'm not terribly unhappy with the outcome. I may have taken the easy way out by killing off a certain character, you be the judge of that. You can decide for yourselves whether you think it worked or not.
> 
> Even though they'll never be together on the show (boo hoo), I still find the relationship they do have really compelling. Season 3 looks awesome from the teasers I've seen on F/X so far, and I can't wait. Of course, this story goes completely off the rails of the actual plot of the show after the end of season 2, so I'm glad I was able to finish it before the new season starts.


End file.
